An Example to Work On… April 30, 2010

As Mothers most of us when asked to examine our speech, immediately think of the times we have been impatient and harsh with our children. However, redemptive speech is so much more than controlling the anger we have towards our children. It starts with how we think and then, how we process those thoughts.

I recently read an article titled, “Watch Your Language”, from the Journal of Biblical Counseling that was written by E. Bradley Beevers. In it he provides a practical example for us to work on. Maybe you, like me, will be surprised at how often you have excused this type of speech:

“How can you start to recognize and repent of evil talk? Start with small steps. Let’s take a specific example to work on. Should Christians use the term “I’m bummed?” Being “bummed” is a neutered way of expressing sadness or depression. It probably could often be translated as lacking in hope and faith, or focusing on unpleasant situations rather than on God’s sovereign care, or grumbling. “I’m bummed” takes away any indication that there is a moral problem with this emotion. Most of us would be pretty surprised if a friend told us we should repent when we shared that we were “bummed out”! In the popular conception we don’t get bummed because there is something wrong with us. We just are. Something’s wrong with the situation; we’re responding normally. That goes for all of us when we talk to people who are “bummed.” We usually ask, “What happened?,” more than we ask, “Why are you handling what happened that way?”

I have often allowed myself to be “bummed out” for days without a thought that this is the open door for sin to take root in my heart! Let’s honestly examine our hearts and see where we open the door for sin to grow. Tomorrow we’ll continue with the next portion of this article!

Let’s Examine “I’m Bummed” Further April 28, 2010

Yesterday we posted an excerpt from an excellent article found in the Journal of Biblical Counseling. If you didn’t read it, you might want to do that before continuing with today’s post. You’ll find it HERE!

Let’s continue.

In speaking about the term “I’m Bummed”, the author examines it further:

“Notice some other things about this term. First, it’s vague; the emotion described could be many things — depression, anger, hopelessness, sorrow, grief, resentment, conviction, self-pity. Second, the explanation for why we feel this way is inadequate. The focus is almost exclusively on the situation; no attention is given to other inward thoughts or states that lead us to be bummed. We might diagram it thus: Situation > Emotion. The crucial middle term is omitted: Situation > Person > Emotion. This is neutralization again! By omitting the “person” term, it makes no difference whether the situation happens to a believer or an unbeliever; to Jesus Himself or the worst sinner. Right and wrong cease to be categories that we think about. This is not nearly as true with the more specific terms listed above. When a person says he is grieving over his father’s death, we know he is sad because he has experienced a loss; The reaction is good. If he said he was hopeless, depressed, or self-pitying over this death, we should have a different response! Specific terms give us crucial information about the person. We know better how to respond and bring biblical perspective. The world misses this completely. When someone is “bummed,” they can offer only contentless sympathy and a powerless “hope-so” for improved circumstances. There is no hope of real life change, no way it can be better next time.”

How many times when someone has told me that they were bummed because of such and such a situation, I listened and offered a lame, “I hope tomorrow’s better!” response. And I had no idea that this was missing a rich opportunity for biblical fellowship. Or worse, how often I have allowed myself to be bummed about something and missed a great opportunity to repent of unbiblical thinking.

Tomorrow we’ll take a final look at this article as the author takes us to one of my favorite places! Where? You’ll have to come back to find out!

One of My Favorite Places April 26, 2010

We’re continuing this week with the final posts of our series on “talk” by revisiting some posts we did two years ago on redemptive speech.  It’s amazing to us that these posts are speaking to our own hearts once again!  We’re grateful for God’s gracious understanding that we have to visit topics over and over to make the progress that the gospel promises us.  So join us this week as we re-read some former posts…

Okay, yesterday I left you wondering just where one of my favorite places is. If you are joining us for the first time in a while, this post is part three of a three part look at an article from the Journal of Biblical Counseling titled Watch Your Language, by E. Bradley Beevers. Please read the first and second post before reading the conclusion below. It really will serve you so much better if you do. It’s kind of like reading the end of the novel first; It spoils everything, and you never know what you missed! Click HERE for the first and HERE for the second.

Just where is the favorite place I promised we’d visit today? It’s the book of Psalms! The author takes us there as he concludes his point on the term “I’m Bummed”:

“Doesn’t the Bible speak of these “bummed out” emotions with primary reference to the person, to God, to what is right, rather than simply to the situation? Notice, for example, Psalms 42 and 43. When the Psalmist is “cast down” and “disturbed,” it is not because he no longer goes with the throng to the house of God. It is not because he is taunted by his enemies, by deceitful and unjust men. These things are happening. But the cause of his distress is that his soul does not hope in God. He wouldn’t describe himself as “being bummed.” He sees it more clearly: “Why are you downcast, O my soul?…Put your hope in God.” The focus of the Psalm is that he thirsts for God as a deer longs for flowing streams.

“How different is this picture from the blame-shifting and self-pitying of worldly speech! The Psalmist’s vocabulary indicates that he studies his heart carefully; he figures out the true problem and looks to God for a solution. This is the goal for your own vocabulary!”

Who knew that the simple term “I’m bummed” could have such a huge meaning, or should I say, lack of meaning? I hope this will help you as it has helped me to really listen to what I say and be like the Psalmist who ‘studies his heart carefully’.

The Power of Words April 23, 2010

Wow. I have benefited so much from the humility and wisdom I read about last week in all the posts. And the ladies who posted are all my friends – which makes it even more meaningful. Their teachable hearts and affection for truth both inspires and convicts me. As a group, we have been reading the same articles and this week I will continue to share from them as we continue our series on redemptive speech.

But first a confession…

By nature I am a critical person who too often sees the proverbial glass half empty rather than half full. God mercifully brought some people into my life some years ago who not only taught me about the importance of redemptive speech (we didn’t know what to call it then), but who also demonstrated to me how to do it! Their eagerness to both look for things to encourage and to correct with grace was used by God to open the door to change. Even though God has brought about progress in my life in this area, I still battle the pride and self-righteousness that causes sinful attitudes in my heart to come out of my mouth. How quickly I forget that words have the power for life or for death.

Like last week when I made a sarcastic comment to my husband the day before he was leaving for an out-of-state conference! My timing was not only insensitive but also selfish. I was “bummed out” (if you haven’t read Debi’s post from last week, please do!) at a perceived pattern of insensitivity in him, so I reacted. The comment was out of my mouth before I even knew it.

First I wished I hadn’t said it. Then too quickly I wanted to blame him for my quip. My heart was pulled between the desire to repent and the arrogant craving for vindication. My speech wasn’t the biggest problem…because as we’ve learned, sinful speech springs from a sinful heart.

Lord, please help me to more clearly see the connection between the words of my mouth and the sins in my heart. Help me to stop blaming anyone or anything for choosing to speak proud, selfish and sarcastic words. Without Your help I am hopeless. But because of the Cross I am full of confidence in Your power to change me. Thank you, Lord!

Probing Questions to Consider April 21, 2010

As we continue to talk about redemptive speech and especially how it affects our families, I was reminded by these excerpts in Jerry Bridges’ new book, Respectable Sins: Confronting the Sins we Tolerate:

“Outside the home we are apt to be on our best behavior and act as we know we should. But in the home we tend to put aside those artificial restraints that are not part of our true character.”

“We tend to exhibit many sins most freely in the context of our own families.”

“Parents can become impatient over the slow response to the training of children and teenagers. ‘How many times have I told you not to leave your shoes in the family room?’ Or, ‘When are you going to learn to chew your food with your mouth closed?’ These kinds of slow responses to our training can often lead us to be impatient. Obviously the type of impatient expressions I’ve used as illustrations do not further our training efforts. They serve only to vent our impatience and humiliate the child.”

Over the years the Lord has graciously brought such penetrating truths into my life, forcing me to ask myself questions like this:

• Do I speak to my husband and children differently behind the closed doors of our home than when people are around?

• Could my children be tempted to resentment or hurtful perplexity because I speak to their friends with more patience and gentleness for things about which I am harsh or exacting with them?

• What kind of example am I setting for my daughters in the way I speak to and about my husband in the normal course of every day life? Will their future husbands reap the consequences or benefit from this example?

• Have I arrogantly sought to use forceful speech (anger, harshness, impatience, sarcasm, criticism) to wrestle change out of my husband or children rather than humbly trusting God as the only one who can change them (or me!)?

It’s been helpful and humbling to ask my family to help me answer these questions…not just once but several times over the years.

I think I’m overdue to revisit these questions with them. Perhaps you can join me. If your children are too young to be helpful, your husband and a wise friend would be a great resource.

Jesus, please help me to see if I have been putting aside “those artificial restraints that are not part of my true character” by treating my family differently when others are not around. I want to be a genuine Christian, not a hypocrite. Please give me eyes to see how I need to change and thank you for the power the cross provides me to put to death my sinful habits and become more like You!

Stoking The Fire of our Motivation April 19, 2010

We’re going to conclude our talking series by repeating some posts from 2008 on Speaking Redemptively.  Reading through these posts brought conviction, hope and fresh motivation for the importance of carefully watching what comes out of my heart and mouth.  As I was reading I kept thinking….”Hmmm, I need this!  I sure don’t remember this post.  This is so timely for me!”  We hope those of you who read these posts in 08, and those who didn’t, will also receive fresh hope for change!

Are you feeling a bit overwhelmed by the weight of our responsibility when it comes to pursuing Redemptive Speech?  Then, I have good news for you this morning; “Christ Jesus came into the world to SAVE sinners, of whom I’m the foremost!”  1 Timothy 1:15 (emphasis added).

I sense the Lord reminding me this morning that I have neglected preaching the Gospel to myself each day, which leads to the weight I bear.  Quoting again from Jerry Bridges’ new book, Respectable Sins: Confronting the Sins We Tolerate, he says:

“The assurance that God no longer counts my sin against me does two things.  First it assures me that God is for me, not against me (see Romans 8:31).  I am not alone in this battle with sin.  God is not watching me from His heavenly throne saying, “When are you going to get your act together?  When are you going to deal with that sin?”  Rather, He is, as it were, coming alongside me saying, “We are going to work on that sin, but meanwhile I want you to know that I no longer count it against you.”  God is no longer my Judge; He is now my heavenly Father, who loves me with a self generated, infinite love, even in the face of my sin.  That assurance greatly encourages me and motivates me to deal with the sin.

“Further, the  assurance that God no longer counts my sin against me, and that in my struggles with sin, He is for me, produces within me a strong sense of gratitude for what He has done and is presently doing for me through Christ.

“This twofold effect of encouragement and gratitude together produce in us a desire to deal with our sin.  Make no mistake: Dealing with our sin is not an option.  We are commanded to put sin to death.  It is our duty to do so.  But duty without desire soon produces drudgery. And it is the truth of the gospel, reaffirmed in our hearts daily that puts desire into our duty.  It is the gospel that stokes the fire of our motivation to deal with our respectable and subtle sins.  It is the gospel that motivates us to seek to be in our daily experience what we are in our standing before God.”

Are you feeling “drudgery”?  Then, it is the gospel you need that will transform your drudgery into desire!  May we all begin this day with the Gospel declaring this truth to our hearts:

“Blessed are those whose lawless deeds are forgiven, and whose sins are covered; blessed is the man against whom the Lord will not count his sin.”  Romans 4:7-8

The Privilege to Pray April 16, 2010

I have loved this discussion on praying for our husbands. As I am very new to the “married” thing, I have been so grateful to start off with learning the importance of carrying my requests to God on behalf of my husband. What a privilege it is! To be able to go before the throne of our majestic God and ask for His help, grace, strength, mercy and love to cover and protect my husband each day?? Amazing!

Over the past few weeks, a theme from our Easter messages at church has been on Christ’s resurrection and life and how this affects us day-to-day. One of the questions we’ve been asked was whether or not we live as if Christ has risen and is alive. The correlation between believing and living every day with the awareness that Christ is alive and praying for my husband is strong indeed. If I am constantly conscious that Christ is in fact alive right now, I read in Scripture of His promises to intercede for us before the Father, to give us power to overcome, to conquer sin, to live righteous and obedient lives! What fuel this gives to my prayers for my husband! What encouragement this gives me that my prayers are heard and, when prayed according to His will, will be answered! As Debi mentioned in her post earlier this week, it’s almost as if, in light of this, my prayers can be launched toward Him!

And last week Sheree gave an overview of her message to the moms at the last Mom’s Meeting. Of the three points she shared, I anticipate the one most difficult for me will be remembering that “prayer requires an awareness of our need for God.” Now I usually am eager to get the job done: tell me what it requires and let’s jump to it!  (A slight exception to this would be the garage sale we are currently working on…but let’s not discuss that now!! Ha!) However, I am well aware that oftentimes change is slow in coming and usually not on our timetables. Sometimes I won’t be able to “do” anything…but pray…and rely on God’s help and ability to change us.

So, aware of this tendency and armed with the reminder that Christ is ALIVE, I look forward to growing (in the weeks and months and years and decades to come!) in praying faithfully, dependently, biblically and consistently for my precious husband.

Relying on God, not Me April 14, 2010

My prayers for PJ over the years have been mostly focused on the things I want to see changed in him.  After the MOM’s meeting last month, I realized I needed to pray for him differently.

Spending the last month praying differently and more consistently has been eye opening.  I have realized that by praying for God’s will in his life, and for the change God wants to see, produces reliance on God for me as well.  I  am daily reminded that what I do, say and want doesn’t matter in comparison to what God has planned for his life.

I am also more specific in my prayers.  There are future prayers like, “Help him to grow in his love for the Savior”; “Help him to rely on You as a husband and father”; “Make him more like You” etc.  But I have really begun to enjoy just praying for the daily life kinds of things: protect him during the day, help him to make decisions at work that are God- glorifying, help him to make wise choices in what he sees and does at the gym, work, conversations…normal life stuff.

What is so great is that I rely on God to help and protect him more and more!

There is only so much I can do as his “helpmate” and praying is the most important.  I want PJ and my strength to be in our Savior and not in anyone else.  Including one another.

Posted by Jaime

Launched Heavenward April 12, 2010

This morning Tom woke me up early to watch the Space Shuttle take off from nearby Cape Canaveral.  I love living close enough to witness this amazing feat time after time.  It never ceases to fill me with awe at the sheer power needed to launch such a vehicle heavenward!

As I was praying this morning, God used this metaphor to cement in my heart the conviction of what praying for my husband accomplishes.  It is as if I am launching him – with all of his circumstances, concerns, pressures and temptations – heavenward where he will find the strength and help he needs.  It is a glorious work of the Spirit that will leave bystanders amazed as the Spirit does His work in my husband.

This is a far cry from how I used to pray for Tom…I would have a mental list of all the things I thought needed to change.  One by one I’d pray them off like bottle rockets, only to discover they didn’t get very far off the ground; in fact some were duds. This wasn’t because God wasn’t listening, but because of the selfish way I was launching the prayers.  It wasn’t to propel him heavenward – it was more to make my earthly life more suitable to me!

The Bible says in James 4:

“You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive,

because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.”

God in His kindness makes sure many of my prayers go unanswered – actually He answers me by doing nothing because it’s obvious I don’t have a clue what is best for my husband!  So, instead I must choose to pray for God’s will to be accomplished each day, and trust that what happens is a part of His plan.  I don’t have to manipulate, cajole or nag my husband; God has said He WILL complete the work He’s begun in my husband – who am I to question how he does it?

Posted by Debi

Praying Wives are Dependent Daughters April 9, 2010

At the Mom’s Meeting we talked about three aspects about growing in prayer for our husbands:

First, prayer requires an awareness of our need for God. Consistently and fervently praying for Benny was such a weakness in my life because I put too much emphasis on my own wisdom, preferences, desires…and on my attempts to change him.  Because of the outstanding teaching I’ve received over the years, I’ve learned that the way my husband changes is the same way I do: because Jesus died and rose again to grant him forgiveness from his sin and the promise that He will complete the work He began in him (Phil 1:6)!  Sometimes this work doesn’t come on my timetable.  Other times the things I think need change aren’t those GOD is focusing on.  But “it is GOD who works in [him], but to will and to work for HIS [not necessarily my!] good pleasure” (Phil 2:13.)

Second, prayer isn’t easy and doesn’t often produce immediate results. As wives, God is calling us to persevere in prayer; to pray and then pray again and again; to place our confidence not in ourselves to say the right thing or in our husband overcoming their passivity or laziness or worldliness by making better choices.  Prayer requires patience and faith and trusting God:  and as Covenant Life pastor Robin Boisvert said some years ago, “Let’s face it, trusting God can just be hard work.”  Worrying and nagging and complaining is much easier.

Last, prayer requires Christ-like dependence on God. One of the most striking things about Paul Miler’s book is a section where he talks about Jesus being a praying man. Jesus said:

• “I can do nothing on my own” (Jn 5:30)
• “The Son can do nothing of his own accord” (Jn 5:19)
• “I can do nothing on my own authority, but speak just as the Father taught me” (Jn 8:28)

Only a humble, dependent son would have such an attitude toward his father!

“When Jesus tells us to become like little children,” Miller says, “he isn’t telling us to do anything he isn’t already doing.  Jesus is, without question, the most dependent human being who ever lived.  Because he can’t do life on his own, he prays.  And he prays.  And he prays…When you know that you (like Jesus) can’t do life on your own, then prayer makes complete sense….[When he gets alone to pray] it’s an expression of his relationship with his father.  He wants to be alone with the person he loves.”

The question is clear:  If Jesus understood the need to pray, what does that say about us?

Lord, thank you for reminding me not only of the importance of praying for my husband, but for the wonderful privilege it provides me to be like You!  Please help me to grow in this area mostly to cultivate my relationship with You, and then with my husband.  Forgive me for the times I have trusted in myself to say the ‘right’ thing, and become weary when the things I think need changing aren’t what You are doing in his life.  Thank you for the man You have given me; give me the humility and faith to pray for him.  He needs You.  I need You, too!

Posted by Sheree

P.S.  Join us next week for more on this series!