Why I Love my Children’s Friends February 24, 2010

I was thinking yesterday about how much I love my children’s friends.

It all started with Andy and Joe.  As toddler friends of my oldest son, Josh, they invaded my home and heart.  Through years of sleepovers, birthday parties, spontaneous visits to see what I was cooking for dinner and wolfed-down boxes of donuts they taught me the importance of knowing and loving my kid’s friends.

Last weekend Julia asked me to take her and two friends to Mt. Dora (if you’re local and haven’t been there, you gotta go).  We had lunch and looked in little shops and had yummy ice cream.  I came home last night to find my three at-home kids and a couple of  friends lounging in the family room playing cards and watching tv.  Next week while Benny and I enjoy an anniversary get-a-way two of Jake’s friends will keep him company to eat frozen stuff, unless Ian decides to do some cooking.  (That’s Jake with Ian, Tobin and other friends of his I’ve come to love…what delightful young men they are!)

Why is it important to know and enjoy our children’s friends?  Because then they’ll want to hang at our house!  For various reasons, my house wasn’t the “hang out” when I was a teenager.  My parent’s didn’t really know my friends so when I told them things about them (usually good things, even if I wasn’t being honest) Dad and Mom believed me.  They had no reason not to.  My friends didn’t know my parents, so they were unaware that some of my activities weren’t parent-approved.  My life at home was separate from my life outside home.  Not a good thing.

If you’re the mom of young children, start preparing your heart and home now for your kid’s friends.  Enlarge your heart.  Warmly greet their friends.  Make your loving presence known when they’re playing.  Keep them closeby rather than allowing them to regularly run off unsupervised to their room or the back yard.  Wisely guide your children to friends whose parents have a similar presence in their children’s lives.

And as their teen years approach, plan to bake and cook and make sure snacks are in the house.  Food is one of the best ways to make your home teen friendly. Over the years we’ve purchased ping pong tables and dart boards and Madden Football and board games of every kind.  Up north we added a basketball slab to our back yard and in Florida we designed and, with the help of amazing friends, built a cost-efficient pool that allows our sports-loving kids to play water volleyball and basketball.  But nothing matters as much as having frozen burgers on hand for last-minute grilling, pre-made cookie dough in the frig, and extra bags of chips and sweet tea “just in case.”

Cuz sometimes all that turns into, “Hey, Mrs. P, can we talk?”  There are also greetings and hugs and smiles from all those who come and go through my house.  I will cry at their weddings and rejoice when they have babies.  My life has been enriched by the noise and fun of having so many of them around.  And I’ve been sanctified by having to clean up after them when they rushed out without realizing someone was going to have to deal with the mess.  Over 3 decades of Andy and Joe, Mel and Megan, David, Erika, Julie and Lindsay and Ariel…and all of Jake’s loud and hungry friends around…I’ve come to see that the messes and sleep loss due to spontaneous late-night movies or PVB and hefty grocery bills are worth it all.

Speaking of groceries, I’m off to Costco to buy stuff for Jake, Ian and Tobin’s week.  (Tobin, I promise no pasta…it’s frozen pizzas for you!)

Posted by Sheree

More Musings from the Back Nine February 22, 2010

This week Sheree is going to offer some more “Musings from the Back Nine”…

Next week Benny and I will celebrate our 37th anniversary.  We met at 16, so we’ve known each other for nearly 40 years.  Last week I was thinking:  It’s hard for me to believe I’ve been doing anything for 40 years!

Until I look in the mirror. When I see the 55-year-old woman staring back at me, I’m occasionally taken off guard.  But because of the legacy of laughter I received from my mom, I can inwardly chuckle.  Sometimes I look so tired and matronly that I have to stop and quickly thank God for the gift of makeup.

When I was a young woman like many of you, I rarely thought about what the aging process would do to my face, hair, skin and body.  A part of me is glad because I may have become preoccupied with how to slow it down.  And my friends might not feel the freedom to give me those old lady cards that talk about wrinkled, sagging body parts.

But I do regret not giving more thought to how aging would affect me on the inside.  I wish I had thought and prayed more about this when I was young.  I regret not talking more with older women who had gracefully persevered through the aging process with God-centered faith and joy.

Later this week I’ll do my packing list for a much-anticipated time away with Benny for our anniversary.  The question I’m asking myself today is, “What am I doing to prepare for the fast-approaching trip to the winter season of my life?”  I won’t foolishly get up this Saturday morning assuming all the needed belongings for a week away will magically appear in my suitcase.  What makes me think the godly character and biblical thinking I will need to enjoy increasing joy and godliness in my senior years will just “show up?”

If you’re a mom chasing and training young children or a single woman reading this in the midst of your busy work week, the last thing you’re probably thinking about is what you need to do to prepare to be old.  But please take it from me.  Getting old will sneak up on you much sooner than you think.

Hey, here’s an idea.  Prayerfully consider an older woman in your life that you could call or email this week to ask if you could have her over for coffee.  Consider some questions you could ask her to help you start thinking more maturely and wisely about the future.  Think of things you’ve noticed about her (her warm and gracious nature; heart for God’s word; respect and devotion to her husband; perseverance through suffering; selfless serving through years of unplanned singleness; joy in motherhood…whatever strikes you about her).  Then craft your questions to draw from her experience and wisdom.

I hope to spend time next week considering my “packing list” for becoming elderly.  I can already order from the Senior’s Menu at some restaurants.  Don’t laugh.  You’re closer behind me than you realize.

Posted by Sheree

Mercy Triumphs Over Judgement February 12, 2010

Mercy describes his disposition of kindness, patience, forgiveness and arms us with a new vocabulary for the love of God….Mercy has to do with how God related to us in our sin–we deserved anger and judgement, he gave kindness, patience and forgiveness…..not the absense of bad, but applied compassion in thought, word and deed.  The disposition of care in the face of retaliation, meet cutting with kindness, sinfulness with love….we don’t get what we deserve, so we shouldn’t hold our spouse hostage to their sin.

Wow!  These are all comments from Dave Harvey’s session on mercy.  And these are only a few that truly cut straight to my heart.  One of the first questions he asked was, ” How do I respond when things aren’t going the way I expect?”  Sadly, not with the mercy described above.  All to often my response is no different than the world.  I ignore the mercy which has been extended to me.  I withdraw, I cut myself off, I become angry instead of displaying mercy.  I chose to exact judgement instead of allowing the only true judge to do that.  It is so much easier to focus on the sins or weaknesses of my spouse than to remember the One who has extended the greatest mercy to me.

I left that session very convicted, but somewhat despairing.  I knew what I needed to do, but was feeling very inept at how to do it.   How can my perspective really change and preaching the gospel and ministering to my spouse become more important than the way I was living?

How thankful I was for the next session……….Grace-the answer to my questions.  Dave began the session by saying that, “God didn’t bring me here to just show me how I need to change.  His commitment is to help us change in areas He has called us to change.”  He does this through his grace.  His grace has appeared to train me to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions.   Grace isn’t some mysterious, magicial thing, but a real way which God enables me to do his will and live my life to glorify him.  Through his grace I can be merciful, I can change and mercy can triumph over judgement in my life.  Thank you Jesus.

Persistent Grace February 10, 2010

Tortoise and the Hare

I really do not like when things go slowly.  Or should I say, when things do not go at MY pace.  Because of this, one of the most helpful messages I heard from Dave Harvey was his message on Grace.

Dave said, “Your spouse (or you!) may become discouraged when they don’t see immediate fruit – grace is patient and persistent.”

Often my main focus can be on PJ and whether or not he is changing at the pace I think he should be.  Whether it is large or small issues, I tend to get discouraged when I feel he is “slacking off” in change I would like to see.  Instead of reminding myself of God’s love, patience, and grace in my life, I would rather focus on how my husband needs to change.  Of course if he would change, it would make it a LOT easier for me to change.  :-)

Dave said, “Remind each other that God works beneath the surface first.  What an incredible reminder!  Even when I don’t “see” change, that doesn’t  mean God is not working in him.  Not only that, how much easier would it be for my husband if I am grace-filled in my response to him, pointing him back to the gospel rather than constantly pointing to all the things he is not doing right?  “We know our spouse needs to be pointed, not simply to grace, but to the One from whom all grace flows.”

I have decided to take the following quotes and post them somewhere I will see them daily.

“Never displace grace in an attempt to find sin.”

“Change takes time.”

“Stubborn grace is a grace that serves God’s way in God’s time.”

My prayer is that I will be content with God’s timing for change in PJ’s and my life.  Not only that, but that I will be just as focused on my own need for change.  Isn’t it ironic how I am talking about my husband’s lack of change in areas while talking, once again, about how my need for control affects many areas of my life?

“Human sin is stubborn, but not as stubborn as the grace of God and not half so persistent, not half so ready to suffer to win its way.” Cornelius Plantinga

Posted by Jaime

Mercy is Given to be Shared February 9, 2010

I left the marriage retreat (don’t forget the messages are just to your right on this page) affected by the last part of Dave’s last message.  He was talking about extending mercy for weakness.  In this section he wasn’t talking about sin on our husband’s part.  Rather, he was talking about weakness:  limitations, imperfections — aspects of our humanity as fallen creatures who won’t be perfected until we’re in heaven.

I’m one of those people who remembers details.  Many women do.  I can easily remember phone numbers, short grocery lists, many birthdays and details of conversations.  (Well, I was better at all this when I was younger…smile.)  Benny, on the other hand, doesn’t remember this kind of stuff.  In the early years of our marriage I often became frustrated with him.  Why couldn’t he remember to get just 4 things at the store?  How could he have forgotten what the conflict we had last week was about?  How could he have scheduled that meeting on the afternoon of our child’s birthday before we discussed the plan?

The problem for me was this.  He could remember details of his 7th grade football game or the score of the 1971 Redskins game and how many yards Sonny Jurgensen threw for the win.  And he could start singing Beatles or Rolling Stones lyrics from songs I didn’t know existed!

Benny’s memory just works differently than mine.  I wish I had seen this years ago.  I assumed he was simply choosing not to remember things that were important to me, while focusing on things that were important to him.  How could a football score from 27 years ago be more important than the nature of our conflict last week?!?!

This is a somewhat silly example of a bigger issue.  I have too often confused sin for weakness or limitation.  These words pierced my heart at the retreat:  “Mercy is a train that tows sympathy behind it because mercy stirs sympathy rather than self-righteousness.”

Dave asked how we respond to the limitations of our spouse (physical, mental, sexual, relational):  with an awareness of their need for help and patience, or with daily disapproval?

Me remembering phone numbers felt more important than Benny’s football details because phone numbers are connected to people. (“Honey, your mom has had the same phone number for 20 years!”)  I took it personally when he forgot the eggs because I assumed it was because he wasn’t concentrating during our phone chat.  (“Love, you remembered that I said we were having your favorite roast for dinner but you didn’t remember the eggs???”) Dave reminded me that these are issues to which I can extend mercy rather than disapproval and self-righteousness.

“Mercy,” he said, “is given to be shared.”

Lord, thank you for the lavish mercy you gave me at the cross!  Help me to share this mercy with Benny more and more.  I am weak.  I have limitations.  I need patience and understanding.  This all comes from You to me on a daily basis!  Please help me to reflect back to my husband the mercy that has been poured out on me.

Posted by Sheree

Marriage “Retreat” ? February 8, 2010

It is interesting to me that we call these events “retreats” when in reality my sinful heart ends up advancing in response, not retreating!  This week was no exception!   Without going into unnecessary details, suffice it to say I have been engaged in all out warfare on the sin and lack of mercy evident in my heart.

Events played out this week that made me question the goodness of the  sovereignty of God.  I was struggling with my lack of control, not only of the circumstances but also of my own emotions.  It has been a roller coaster of a week – and I hate roller coasters!  I much prefer to be on solid ground where each step is predictable.

But God ordained otherwise.

I thought I was struggling with choices my husband had made – but the Lord revealed this wasn’t the case.  I was angry at Him (God) for allowing things to play out the way they did.  He is in control of all things – I’m not.  And if I don’t like what’s happening, I must surrender to His purpose, His plan, His ways.  To choose otherwise is foolish.  My mind knows this, but my heart was fighting tooth and nail!

How did this affect my husband?  My marriage?  It only demonstrated how much Tom loves me in-spite of my sin.  He reassured me of his love; he gently, but firmly pointed out my exaggerated responses; and he demonstrated the gospel to me.

Dave Harvey said, “Paul sandwiches his sin with grace on both sides.  If we’re going to improve, start with the Gospel, go to your heart, and return to the Gospel.  We make the Gospel the air we breathe.  It’s like suiting up with oxygen masks to go into a burning, smoke-filled room.”

Tom has been living this week in a smoke-filled room all the while wearing the mask of God’s grace.  Not only did he breathe grace, but he took his mask off and handed it to me, so I could breathe grace as well.  He loves me even though I’m a sinner – demonstrating Christ’s love for his bride – the church!

Tom, thank you for the way you love me.  As we will celebrate 31 years of marriage this month, I am more aware than ever of the gift your love is to me, for your love causes me to love our Savior more.  Thank you for your humility, your strength and the way you care for me in my weakness.  I love you with all my heart – even the sinful, ugly parts!

Posted by Debi

When Mercy Collides with Saturday Plans February 5, 2010

It was a Saturday morning and I was excited about all the stuff Benny and I would get done around the house that day: him working outside while the kids and I did our normal Saturday chores inside.

Then I learned that two of the kids had plans they were certain I knew about, but I was sure I was hearing about it for the first time.  Next came the phone call that resulted in Benny leaving to help one of our married kids with car trouble.  You know, one of those “this won’t take long” errands that stretches into hours.

My productive day was over before 10 AM.

After everyone but my youngest daughter left I pouted.  Whisked around my bedroom cleaning with that “mad” energy that descends when anger gives me fresh energy.  Rehearsed how often I give up my plans to serve my family and how faithful I am to put my plans on our family calendar so everyone will know what’s coming up.

So when Dave talked last weekend about mercy in marriage (and all other relationships) I was freshly convicted.  “Mercy,” he said, “has to do with how God related to us in our sin – we deserved anger and judgment, he gave kindness, patience and forgiveness.”  He talked about how comprehending this truth makes extending mercy take on new meaning.  We respond to others sins against us the way God responded to our sins against Him.  NOTE that links to the messages are now available on the sidebar to your right.

So often my pouting and anger and self-pity is a sinful response even to perceived sin.  Did my kids sin against me that Saturday morning?  Perhaps not.  Maybe they did tell me their plans and I forgot.  Or perhaps they didn’t tell me but should have.  (Can I say I have never done this same thing?)  And Benny certainly didn’t sin against me by the providential interruption to serve one of our children.

My husband and kids sin against me regularly.  Just like I sin against them.  Dave reminded me of the amazing privilege I have as an image bearer of God to extend the mercy to others that He extended to me.  “But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love for which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ” (Eph 2:4-5).  It’s true that “how we relate to others in their sin reveals our true grasp on the gospel.”

I need to grasp the gospel better.  One of the ways I’ll know that’s happening is my commitment to treating my husband, children, friends and even enemies graciously when they sin against me.

Oh…that reminds me.  I was really affected by the end of that message when Dave exhorted us to be more aware of how long it takes for people to change.  How does mercy come into play when it seems like progress takes soooo long?  It’s one thing to be patient and forgiving for awhile…but what about when those around me take what seems like forever to make progress?  How long do I have to be patient and understanding?  What does mercy look like then?

I’m smiling with you.  You “hear” the foot-tapping going on in my heart.  Clearly I needed this message…and need to listen again and again.  More on this in a later post.

Posted by Sheree

Proclaiming Grace Begins with Addressing Sin February 3, 2010

In Dave’s first message at the marriage retreat he laid the foundation of sin.  Hmmm….does that cause a spark in your heart?  Do you, like me, sometimes chaff at yet another focus on sin?  I’m learning that this is often because I don’t have a robust grasp of the gospel.

Using 1 Timothy 1:12-17 as his text for this message, Dave reminded us of the context of this book.  False teachers had begun to teach different doctrines (vs 3), causing some in the church to wander away (vs 6).  Teachers who claimed to understand the law didn’t (vs 7).  Why?  Because they were missing the point of the law: to reveal that we are sinners.

In short, the false teachers of that day had lost “the sinfulness of sin.”

Does that sound familiar?  How often do I lose sight of the sinfulness of my sin?  Dave elaborated on the importance of wives (and husbands) seeing that the biggest problem in our marriages isn’t our spouse, but us.  We have to focus on the whole gospel:  beginning with we are sinners in need of a Savior.  “A common and troubling trend in churches,” he said, “is denying the affects of remaining sin.”

I did this yesterday.  I was troubled by something Benny told me.  I was especially upset that he told me soon before I needed to leave for an appointment, meaning we wouldn’t have time to discuss it.  This left me with having an evening to think about it myself.  I was quick to judge his heart and the timing of his comments.  Wouldn’t he know this would be something I’d want to discuss…like for 3 hours????

It was quite some time before I changed the focus to me. My anxiety; perplexity; lack of trust in God.  And my willingness to so easily judge my husband’s heart.  The man who daily demonstrates his care and who has loved me for nearly 40 years in spite of how hard I make it for him.

Dave talked about our need for a “spiritual stethascope.”  Why?  So we can, with God’s help, discern the ill in our hearts and and rejoice in the gospel.

Jerry Bridges said, “The gospel is meaningful for us only the the extent that we realize and acknowledge that we are still sinful.  Although we are new creations in Christ, we still sin every day in thought, word, and deed, and perhaps even more importantly, in motives.  To benefit from the gospel every day, then, we must acknowledge that we are still sinners.”

Acknowledging that I’m still a sinning wife (and mother and friend) doesn’t bring condemnation because Jesus Christ paid for every one of my past, present and future sins!  When I’m unafraid to define myself as a sinner, I’m also unafraid to run to the throne of grace to receive help to overcome my sin.  As Dave said, “We can’t really proclaim grace without addressing sin.”

What hope!

Posted by Sheree

Marriage and the Mercy of God February 1, 2010

I was unprepared for how this past weekend was going to affect me.

Metro Life Church had a marriage retreat for our region of churches entitled Marriage and the Mercy of God. Dave Harvey spoke three times on how to apply the mercy and grace of God in our marriages.  I was intrigued to see that none of his primary texts were traditional “marriage passages.”  Rather, he used 1 Timothy 1:12-17, Luke 6:27-36 and Titus 2:11-15 in each of the messages respectively.  (Take a moment to open your Bible and take a look at this passages and see if you’re as intrigued as I was.)

Over the next couple of weeks we will be sharing from what we learned this weekend.  How many times have I left a conference, seminar or retreat thinking, “This was life changing”?  I guess only time will tell if it will be the case, but I do believe this could be a life changing weekend for me…and many others after the conversations I’ve been having during the past 24 hours.

We will be providing links to the messages on our blog soon; until then you will be able to find them at www.metrolife.org sometime this week.  Whether you are married or single, please take the time to listen to Dave’s effective, insightful and self-disclosing look at passages I heard for the first time applied to marriage.  The thought that keeps coming back to me is this:  “Because of the cross, weakness becomes the place for patient ministry in marriage.”  We were skillfully reminded that:

• My husband’s sins against me don’t compare to my sins against a holy God.  If we remind ourselves regularly of God’s lavish love and forgiveness of our many sins against Him, we will be increasingly eager to demonstrate this love and forgiveness to our husbands.  (Dave made some kind and sensitive comments to those who have experienced serious suffering and abuse, and who are facing the painful consequences of the grievous sins of others.  Perhaps that is you…)
• Because as wives we didn’t get what our sins deserved, so we “shouldn’t hold our husbands hostage to their sin” by our bitterness, self-righteousness and selfish expectations.
• God has provided ample grace to give us the power to change!  This hope for ourselves is also the hope of which we need to remind our husbands in their battle with remaining sin.  All our (and their) attempts to change must be connected to the gospel: then as change comes we can thank God for the power to change rather than put the accent on our/our husband’s efforts.

Oh, there is so much more!  We’re excited to share with you how the Spirit of God worked in our hearts this weekend.  So join us as we learn more about Marriage and the Mercy of God.

A special word to those of you who are in marriages to unsaved or difficult men.  I was touched and inspired by several women who attended the retreat without their husbands.  And by others who came with little hope for change in longstanding issues in their marriages.   Please resist the understandable temptation to believe that more teaching on marriage is not going to help you.  Just today I talked to a friend who came to the retreat hopeless…and left with fresh faith that God is at work in her heart and marriage.  Give the truths of God’s word another opportunity to fill you, too, with hope God gives to the hopeless.  I sincerely believe if you listen to these messages, you won’t be disappointed.

Posted by Sheree