First-Time Obedience March 31, 2009

Two years ago we did some posts on disciplining and training children.  Because these truths are ones that moms of young children need to be reminded of, we decided to repeat a couple of those posts for the rest of this week.  Whether or not you were visiting our blog back in April 07, we pray these posts will be encouraging and helpful.

I just returned from 2 delightful (and tiring…smile) days with three of my grandchildren.  While there, I noticed the following 1888 quote from J.C. Ryle that my daughter posted near her kitchen sink:

“Train with an eye to your children’s souls.  We are made what we are by training. Our character takes the form of what mold into which our first years were cast.  The path of obedience is the way in which He gives blessing.  Determine to make your children obey you, though it cost you much trouble, and cost them many tears.  The mark of well-trained children is that they do whatsoever their parents command them – cheerfully, willingly and at once.”

Wow.  Sound impossible?  Toddlers who obey cheerfully?  Willingly?  Immediately?  Yes, it’s a high goal.  But it’s attainable.  Children who are trained at a young age — through patience, encouragement, clear instruction and role playing, and consistent discipline — can become children who obey Daddy and Mommy immediately and with a cheerful attitude.  Really!

First time obedience is of critical importance.  A toddler should be taught to respond quickly to her parent’s voice and command.  Remember, your 3-year-old will be 16 before you know it!  Consider the respect and deference to your values and decisions that you would like to see in him then and don’t fool yourself into thinking today’s delayed obedience or disobedience won’t become tomorrow’s adolescent willfulness.  Today’s whining leads to tomorrow’s ungratefulness and discontent.  And toddler arguing can easily become teen in-your-face rebellion.

Moms, follow the tested advice of a man who said over a century ago to train your children to obey you.  Yes, it will cost you.  You will have to be consistent in your discipline.  Yes, it will cost your children.  It will be painful.

• Make sure you are clear. Tell your child mommy wants her/him to obey immediately and with a cheerful attitude.  Delayed obedience should be treated as disobedience.  (I found it helpful with my children to not interrupt them with an expectation of immediate obedience when they were engaged in something, but to say, “Honey, in just a minute Mommy will ask you to put away your toys.  Get ready to obey quickly and with a cheerful attitude!”  Then I could expect them to respond quickly and cheerfully or be disciplined.)
• Encourage!  Encourage!  Encourage! When your child obeys immediately and with a good attitude, give warm and expressive encouragement.  Regular discipline without regular encouragement can frustrate and tempt a child.  Plus, encouraging our children is a reminder to us that they are making progress.
• Be consistent. Requiring first-time obedience today and giving 3 warnings tomorrow is unkind and confusing to your child.  Talk with your husband and pick one or two things to begin to discipline your toddler(s) for and then be consistent.  Better to be consistent with a few things than to be inconsistent with many.  With young toddlers just starting with something simple like, “Come to Mommy” (i.e. for a diaper change, to get into the high chair for a meal, to get into the carseat) might be a good beginning.
• Role play and reward. More about this tomorrow.

Maybe you’d like to copy Mr. Ryle’s quote to put in a visible place in your home, too.

Posted by Sheree

Help Needed March 30, 2009

If you have ever attempted to train a child, you learn very quickly that it is a HARD THING!   There really isn’t anything easy about it.  It takes effort, action and purpose on my part.  This is in direct opposition to my flesh.  My flesh wants things to be easy & comfortable.

Melodye did a great job instructing us at our last Mom’s meeting.  If you weren’t able to make it, be sure to listen online (link found in the right column.)  There were so many things that spoke directly to me.  But one point that she made really stood out.  Even as I looked back over my notes, I am convicted once again.  She said,

“Our weakness will never keep us from God as much as our strength will.”

OUCH…How often do I rely on my own strength to get it all done (often failing miserably), instead of utilizing His strength?  This is the result of my ever present Self-Sufficiency and Pride – which make me think I can make it on my own and deceive me into thinking I am “okay” without time with God each day.  Too often, I neglect the One Who can help me.  It is easy to run to the Lord when I feel weak and desperate, but when I feel “strong” I am not so quick to run to Him.  The Lord is really working on my heart in this area.  I see glimpses of change, yet I long for a true heart change.

How about you?  Is your strength keeping you from God?

Lord, help me to be a woman, like Mary, who chose to spend time at your feet, instead of being like Martha, who was busy all the time.  I need YOUR strength each and every day.  Help me to be dependent on You so I may train my children in a way that glorifies You.  In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Posted by Stephanie

Cyber Mentoring in Child Training! March 27, 2009

Recently over at Girl Talk they have also been doing some posts on child training.  Our encouragement to you today is to click on the link and read Carolyn Mahaney’s entries from Wednesday and Thursday of this week.

We couldn’t say it better…

What a gift to have women like Melodye and Carolyn in our lives to learn from!  Imagine how the apostle Paul and his young disciple, Timothy, would react knowing their exhortation for older women to teach younger women (see Titus 2:3-5) was happening via cyberspace!

We’ll be back next week to continue our child training series.  Have a great weekend!

More on Hard Things about Parenting March 26, 2009

Continuing with Melodye’s message last week, she addressed why child rearing is a “hard thing”:

“Why is training and disciplining my children so hard??  Because we want an easy life.  We want things to go as we plan; easy and without a fight.  When things don’t go the way we think they should, or our children don’t respond the way we want or as quick as we would like them to then we have conflict. What makes training our children hard is our will.  We want control and when we don’t get it we give in to anger and critical judgments. I need to be more interested in my children’s soul than my convenience.”

Melodye honestly admitted what most of us only think to ourselves.  We simply want obedient, respectful and cheerful children without much effort.  Simply put, we know our children are sinners, but we just don’t want them to sin so much!  Occasional selfishness, ungratefulness, sibling arguments, interrupting, whining and angry outbursts are…well…understandable.  But every day?  Sometimes numerous times a day?  And our faith in whether or not we’re doing a good job wavers depending on if they’re responding…or not.

Let’s remember that training, disciplining and nurturing children is hard work the Lord commands us to do. Our efforts matter.  We can’t simply think, “It’s all up to God anyway so why should I invest so much effort into teaching and training them?”  That kind of unbiblical thinking isn’t pleasing to the One who gave them to us to train up in His ways and Who provides clear teaching in scripture to do so.  However, our efforts don’t matter as much as the work only He can do in their hearts.

Here’s a reminder from Melodye:

We tend to look at families with “good” children and think the parents did a good job, then look at families with disobedient children and assume they did a poor job parenting.  If we do this to others we will do it to ourselves.  We can’t judge parenting solely on the behavior of the kids.

Are you tempted toward self-congratulations because your kids are “better” than others?  More quick to obey?  Less wild and have more self-control?  Or are you quick to wish your kids were like the children I just described?  Do you feel like a failure as a mom because your children rarely obey the first time?  Are wild and lack self-control?

In either case, please remind yourself of the gospel.  Perhaps you are experiencing fruit from months or years of consistently training and disciplining your children, or are experiencing the consequences of not doing so.  Or maybe you are working hard to consistently train them with God’s help, but the fruit is not yet evident. After all, we want to obey God without conditionally doing so only if we see results.   Remind yourself regularly that God is the only one who can change their hearts and save them from their sin.  Depending on their age, you may be successfully or unsuccessfully modifying their behavior but what truly matters is what is happening in their hearts…and only God knows and can change that.

Lord, please give me the strength and wisdom to work hard at training my children.  Help me to be consistent and faithful to obey your just commands as a mom with Your strength and power.  But thank you for reminding me that only You can work in their hearts.  Please annoint my efforts with Your power and grace to see each of my children to see their need for a Savior to forgive them of their sins and to empower them to live godly lives.  Thank you for the promise of Your help!  Amen.

Posted by Sheree

Five Obstacles to Doing Hard Things in the Training of our Children March 25, 2009

Continuing with Melodye’s message from last week’s Mom’s Meeting, she developed Five Ways We Fail at Doing Small Hard Things from the Harris brothers.  As you read, maybe the specific application she used doesn’t apply to your life, but I’m sure her examples will stir what these sin patterns look like in your motherhood.

1.  Procrastination

• I’ll start working on that issue in Johnny tomorrow.
• I was up too late last night to start the day dealing with her anger; I’ll tackle it next time.  It won’t hurt to let it go this one time.
• I think I’ll just close the door and not look at that mess until I have another cup of coffee!  It will still be there tomorrow!

2.  Inconsistency

• I disciplined her for disrespect yesterday but I just don’t have the time to stop and deal with it right now.
• If I stopped and dealt with her selfishness every time I saw it I’d never get anything done around here!

3.  Compromise

• I know I should correct her for that outburst but Sally hasn’t been feeling well and I don’t think she meant to do that.
• He knows not to get out of bed but he’s been a little fearful lately.
• I know my child should be sharing but he seems to always be the one who’s giving up what he wants.
• I’ve tried to get my daughter to greet others but she is just so shy.

4.  Begrudging

• I’ll stay home with these sick kids tonight even though I’ve been inside this house all week long!
• How many times do I have to deal with these attitudes in a day?!
• It would sure be nice to go out to dinner tonight instead of cooking.  I feel like I’ve been in the kitchen all day.

5.  Cheating

• I’m so glad my kids put on a good show for everyone tonight and didn’t disobey like they usually do.
• I’m glad they didn’t act like they do when we’re at home alone!
• I guess my parenting skills aren’t so bad after all!

I would encourage you to read over this list again.  Whenever we receive the gift of conviction over sin patterns in our lives, we are experiencing God’s grace.  Don’t rush through this post.  Stop and ask the Lord to show you if these patterns are there in your parenting…then remind yourself that with the realization that you are sinning comes a greater awareness of God’s forgiveness and power to change.

Lord, please show me what sin patterns in my life hinder me from doing the small things that godly motherhood requires.  I love my children so dearly, and I don’t want unconfesseed sin in my life to keep me from consistently training them.  I’m asking for your help…first to see my sin and then to turn from it.  Thank you for the promise of Your power and help!

Posted by Sheree

Doing the Small Hard Things March 24, 2009

Here’s a copy of the book Do Hard Things by the Harris brothers.  We’ve adopted the theme of this book, written to young people but inspiring for adults as well, as the focus of our Mom’s Ministry this year.  In her message last week, Melodye provided insightful application to the author’s exhortation to not just do big hard things…but to start with small hard things.  They talk about Five Difficulties of Small Hard Things that Melodye skillfully applied to motherhood.

Small things:

1.  Don’t usually go away after you do them.
➢    Dishes don’t stop getting dirty after you wash them.
➢    Diapers still need to be changed.
➢    Children still argue and fight with one another.
➢    Toys still need to be picked up.
➢    Laundry still has to be done…again.

2.  Don’t seem very important.  I’d rather be:
➢    Serving in the church.
➢    Counseling other women who are in need and make me “feel” important.
➢    Witnessing at the abortion clinic.
➢    Going on a mission’s trip.

3.  Don’t seem to make any difference.
➢    My children aren’t any better-behaved today than they were last week.
➢    I’m not seeing any lasting fruit by my efforts.
➢    How many times will I have to deal with this selfishness in her life?

4.  Don’t seem very glamorous.
➢    Cleaning up after my kids is an endless thankless job!
➢    The dirty diapers just keep coming and the finger prints are endless!
➢    It would be nice to get dressed up and have to be somewhere important instead of wearing stained t-shirts and sweatpants all the time.

5.  Aren’t watched by anyone.
➢    No one is going to notice what I do all day long.
➢    Other women are holding political offices or make a difference in their world and I seem to be invisible.
➢    How can staying at home day after day training my children be accomplishing anything of value?

Can you relate to some of these temptations?  I certainly did!  Sometimes it seems easier to do big, heroic hard things than the daily, mundane hard things prevalent in the life of mothers.

Isn’t it good to know that there is Someone watching everything we do each day?  And He’s the One who is eager to say “Well done!” on That Day when the only thing that will matter is whether we embraced the small hard things to which He has called us.

Just pause and think about it.  The God of the universe is watching YOU today as you care for your home and children.  Nothing you have done or will do today will go unnoticed…even though most of it will have to be redone tomorrow.  Yet the investment you are making will reap benefits for generations to come as you pass the legacy of biblical womanhood on to your children by your example!

Off to do some laundry…

Posted by Sheree

Doing Hard Things in the Training of our Children March 23, 2009

At our Mom’s Meeting last Thursday Melodye Jones did an excellent message in our continuing Do Hard Things for Moms series.  Her message was warm, inspiring and convicting all at the same time!  In her introductory thoughts, Melodye honestly communicated about the “hard thing” of raising children:

“I know many of you have heard many teachings on the practical ‘how to’ of training your children.   We have a wealth of resources in our bookstore on the practical side of parenting.  Today I want to focus on why it’s so important but also what makes it so hard. My flesh hates hard things!  I want to run in the opposite direction! I want things to be easy and controllable because it makes my life more pleasant. Left to myself I would much prefer a life of ease and comfort.”

If you weren’t there to hear this helpful message, I would encourage you to take some time this week to listen.  The link to the message is to your right under “March 2009.”

For the rest of the week I will communicate the highlights of the message.  If you’re like me, you’ve already forgotten much of what you heard!  In order to effectively apply teaching, we need to go back to it…sometimes over and over.

But before we start considering ways to grow in consistently training our children, let’s remember that the primary One responsible for our children is God.  He is the only one who can change their hearts.  Our training and discipline matters and the Bible commands certain things of us as parents.  Our faithfulness to obey God, however, is not the most important aspect of their salvation and growth in godliness.

My concern for young moms  is that you will fall into the same temptation I battled when my children were small.  I put more weight on what I did than was biblical.  I knew I needed to look to God, but too often I leaned on my efforts to the neglect of deep dependence on Him.  So as we walk through this child training series, please remind yourself regularly that the commands of God are accompanied by the grace to fulfill them as we put our trust in God to do His critical part as we humbly do our lesser part.  Lord, thank you for Your promise to help us!

Posted by Sheree

When Laughter is a Legacy March 20, 2009

My mom had 4 sisters (and 3 brothers).  Together, “The Sisters”  became “The Aunts” to the 25 children that were my first cousins.  One of the many things these women passed on to me was their love of laughter.  Because we all lived closeby during our younger years, we spent a lot of time together eating and hearing stories about The Aunts growing up in rural southwestern Virginia. But, mostly, we laughed.

It was hard not to.  The Aunts found humor in everything.  And they especially loved laughing at us kids.  Throughout the day when I was growing up The Aunts talked almost daily.  Most of the time the calls came because one of us kids (and eventually grandkids) did or said something they were “dying laughing” about…and they just had to tell The Sisters.  Mom’s laughter could be heard all through the house.  Since her death in 2000 one of the things I miss most is hearing her laugh…

Mom didn’t have an easy life.  She dropped out of middle school to clean houses to help support the family.  Dad was a hard working blue collar provider, but money was often tight and she had to work outside the home during various seasons to help make ends meet.  She lost 2 of her brothers to brain cancer and a tragic house fire.  And she spent 6 years caring for my older brother who broke his neck in a swimming accident at age 21 and became a quadriplegic…then bore the grief of his untimely death at age 27.

Yet through it all she still found things to laugh about.

After our move to Orlando from Virginia my longtime friend, Marie, came for a visit.  While chatting one afternoon, she mentioned that one of the things she had always loved about our family is how much we laugh.  Marie knew Mom, so it was easy for her to understand that laughter is one of the legacies my mother left me.

She laughed when then 3-year-old Josh took the “gum” on his finger and put it in her mouth while his Daddy was preaching one Sunday morning.  But his “gum” was actually a bugger he had just picked from his nose.  And, of course, as soon as we got home Mom called The Aunts one by one to tell them about it.

Mom taught me that training and disciplining children doesn’t have to mean the absence of laughter.  In fact, seeing the humor isn’t really that hard if you’re looking for it.  I have laughed a lot over my 30 years of motherhood.  Like when Josh and Jaime “cleaned” the fireplace for Mommy and were covered with soot and ashes.  When, at 3 and 4, Joey and Jesse were having a for-real fist fight in their room over legos.  (They still dispute who won.)  Or when Janelle disobeyed by walking into the street in front of our house because “my brain wanted to obey but my feet just made me go into the street!”

I tried not to let them see me laugh…at least until after I disciplined them when necessary.  But I always called Mom to tell her — and then the calls to The Aunts began.

Motherhood is a serious thing that requires a lot of hard work.  But Mom taught me that while the serious and hard work needs to be done, there’s always time to laugh.  As a grandmother I’m finding that to be more true than ever.  And I love that my Jaime can so easily laugh at her 4 little ones.  Now she calls me to tell me Wyatt or Annie’s latest antic.

Mom’s legacy continues to yet another generation.

Posted by Sheree

They Call me “Mom” March 19, 2009

Another thing I’ve been thinking about recently is how much I still love being a mom.  Most of you, our regular readers, are moms of younger children.  You are understandably caught up in the daily rigors of teaching, training and disciplining your little ones.  Yes, I remember when I couldn’t go to the bathroom alone or sit down for a couple of quiet minutes without having to referee a sibling argument or enjoy a family dinner before my food was lukewarm.

But over the last couple of weeks I’ve been reflecting on what a sheer joy and privilege it is to be a mother.  Perhaps the fact that I was never supposed to have children influences my thinking.  But after 30 years of motherhood my heart still jiggles sometimes when I hear someone call Mom…and it’s me!  All 7 of my kids are now taller than me.  But I still see little boy and girl eyes when I look at them.  The teeth are bigger, but the smile is still the same.  The feet are longer, but the shape of the toes are recognizable.   The laugh is louder, but still has that funny little thing that happens at the very end.  And the tears come less frequently, but still gnaw at my heart because I can’t kiss everything and make it better.

I have a fun and vivid memory of hearing Mom’s voice coming from the bathroom in her basement apartment in our home.  “Dear, Lord!” she exclaimed.  “Who in the world is that woman in the mirror???”  You see, Mom had an endearing and hilarious sense of humor.  (More on that tomorrow.)  When she came out of the bathroom to find me chuckling, she said, “Honey, believe me.  Someday you’ll know how scary it is to find a stranger looking back at you from your own mirror.”

A couple of years ago I reazlied I knew exactly what she meant. When did I start getting little wrinkles around my upper lip?  Didn’t I just color those gray roots?  Is the blue in my eyes really fading or is that my imagination?  Where did that long, slender face go and is it possible that eyelashes actually get thinner as you age???

Something hasn’t changed in 3 decades, though.  I’m still Mom to 7 amazing people.

If you have little ones, stop and thank God for making you a mom.  He didn’t have to bless you with a child.  Perhaps you have more than you planned or desire more than you’ve been given.  Maybe you are currently in a season when the demands of motherhood seem overwhelming (yes, I remember those days, too) or your efforts in training your children haven’t produced the fruit you’ve anticipated.

But, hey, in a few minutes someone is going to call Mom…and you’ll answer.  Wow.

Posted by Sheree

Are you Lonely? March 17, 2009

Next week following our Mom’s Meeting we will be posting on child training issues.  Until then, an excursion…

Sunday during his message Benny talked about off-topic musings.  He reminded us that when you go on a cruise, you can take excursions — fun off-the-ship trips that add memories to your cruise.  That’s what I will be doing over the next couple of days: an excursion between our focus on being thankful and our posts on child training to talk about…well…I’m not sure.

I’ve been thinking recently about loneliness.   Not only because I have walked through seasons of loneliness in my own life, but also because I know people who are currently lonely.  Being lonely is viewed negatively — seen as being friendless, isolated, not included, overlooked or cast aside.  A few years ago I was experiencing deeper loneliness than I have ever known.  In His kindness, God brought Puritan Thomas Watson into my life and I learned, for the first time, about “providential loneliness.”

During that lengthy season of my life, I began to understand why loneliness can be providential.  While reading the book of Hosea I was struck by God’s gracious words to His people when he said, “Therefore, behold, I will allure her and bring her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her” (2:14).  What comes to mind when you think of being in the wilderness?  Dry.  Quiet.  Brown.  Lonely.  A place to avoid or to view as punishment.

Yet sometimes God leads us to this place.  Why?  To speak tenderly to us.  Loneliness can either be resented or embraced.  In his book, Our God, 19th century pastor Octavius Winslow says, “I would call on you to make the solitude through which you are traveling echo and reverberate with your shouts of joy and your songs of praise.”

Joy and praise in a lonely place?  How can this be?  When the Lord showed me that He had led me to the lonely wilderness in which I found myself, my resistance and resentment turned to peace.  Lonely people aren’t invited to many things.  Their phone doesn’t often ring. They spend a lot of time alone.  Solitude is not valued in our frenzied culture where significance is found in being included and sought after.  The person with the fullest calendar feels important and valued.

Are you lonely?  Perhaps it’s because God has allured you into a quite place to speak tenderly to you.  Isaiah 43:5 became a cherished verse to me then:  “I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches found in secret places.”  There are riches to be found in the wilderness.  Treasures awaiting those going through lonely days.

I have journals full of treasures from my lonely years.  But more importantly, my heart is full of gratefulness for a God who would love me enough to lead me to a place just so He could have my full attention…with lots of time to speak tenderly to me.  Even as I write this, I think I miss those days.

If you’re lonely, I pray God will change your perspective and make the solitude through which you are traveling echo and reverberate with your shouts of joy and your songs of praise.

Posted by Sheree