Things our Education Choices Won’t Guarantee January 29, 2009

We complete our series today with the last of the considerations we need to make about how to educate our kids:  whatever option we choose won’t come with guarantees. This post is a little long, so be patient with me.

Ask any devoted and thoughtful Dad and Mom what the most important consideration in their schooling choice is and most will say, “We want to do what is best for our child.”  Few godly parents make decisions with a “throw up the cards and see how they fall” mentality.

Many Christian parents make schooling choices on the presumption of guarantees.

If I put my child in a Christian school with godly teachers, children from Christian homes and good curriculum my child won’t have to deal with alot of the pressures and temptations I faced growing up in public school.

If I take seriously my responsibility to be actively involved with the administration and teachers, putting my child in public school will work out fine.  Besides, our local public school has a good academic and social reputation.

If I home school the kids, they’ll be protected from worldliness, compromise and pressure from ungodly peers.

Benny and I have learned over three decades — both from personal experience and that of many other families — that putting our confidence in our schooling choice is foolish.  The lure to worldliness is common among old and young alike.   When we decided many years ago to home school our children, we were like many parents involved in the early years of the modern home schooling movement.  We thought home schooling was the answer to raising kids who wouldn’t sin and be tempted like Dad and Mom did when we were younger.  We assumed we wouldn’t be dealing with students who lied about completing assignments; cheated on tests; craved the approval of peers; and had crushes in 7th grade.

We were wrong.  What we didn’t know much about back then was the biblical doctrine of indwelling sin.  We thought keeping our kids at home somehow innoculated them against certain temptations and sins.  Over the years and through the biblical teaching we received, we learned that sin isn’t “caused” by circumstances or people.  Sin happens because it’s in the heart in the first place — and, like a sponge, when the heart is squeezed what was already present comes out.  (Thanks, David Powlison!)

When our kids cheated on a spelling test, lied about finishing a writing assignment, agreed to do something they knew was wrong to please a friend, or used inappropriate language we were surprised.  Why?  Because they were home schooled!  They were with us 24/7.  They weren’t “supposed” to do these kinds of things.  “Where in the world did he pick that up?” we would ask ourselves.  “Who has she been spending time with that has those attitudes and uses that language ?” we wondered.

I’m not saying that exercising wisdom about who and what is influencing our children is wrong.  Benny and I wholeheartedly believe in parents doing our part to wisely monitor friendships, music, entertainment and other shaping influences in our kids lives — including making hard or unpopular choices when necessary.  But blaming those influences for our children sinful choices deflects the responsibility from where it squarely belongs — on them.  Our children sin for the same reason that we do; because they choose to.

Does this sound contradictory?  Does it seem I’m saying it doesn’t matter where they go to school because, after all, their choices are uninfluenced by people and environment and are only due to their own choices?  No, that’s not what I’m saying.  People and environment make a difference but not the difference.

Do I believe that home schooling is a viable and wise choice for most Christian parents?  Yes.  Do I personally believe that home schooling can foster a family culture that nurtures spiritual growth and helps to promote a strong parent/child relationship?  Yes.  But do I believe that home schooling insures that a child will love God and His church; respect and honor his parents; resist the lure to worldliness; excel academically; get along great with his siblings; and never kiss a girl until his wedding day?  No.  But neither does any schooling choice provide these guarantees.

Whatever you have decided or will decide to do about schooling your children, start with God.  The choice you make today…for this year or semester…isn’t a permanent one.  Take this decision to the Lord and your husband for ongoing prayer and assessment.  And find a family you know whose young adult or adult children model the kind of love for the Lord and His church that inspires you to ask for counsel and insight.

Do the hard thing…but keep the gospel in full view!  We can’t obey God in our own strength.  But by His empowering grace and promised wisdom, we can trust Him to help us to do hard things, and keeping doing them.

Posted by Sheree

Catching up on the Hard Things about Educating Our Children January 28, 2009

Due to yesterday’s technical difficulties, we will cover points 2 and 3 from Monday’s post: educating our children should be parent-directed and those who are involved in educating them will have a profound influence on their lives.

As we’ve discussed, no matter what educational option we choose for our children the Bible is clear: the training and discipling of children is a parental responsibility. As parents, we must take seriously our need to be actively involved in our children’s education and with those  shaping influences in their lives.   This includes teachers, coaches, babysitters, friends, music or dance instructors…even those who care for and instruct them in our churches.

Parents who choose to allow our children to be consistently influenced by others need to see this as delegation not abdication. Anyone who teaches, coaches, instructs or influences our children should be doing so because we have (to the best of our ability) personally selected them to do so and not because we have abdicated our responsibility.

Education is a multi-faceted experience. In the process of learning phonics, math, sports, music, science and history, students are also learning much more — not only from those who are instructing them but from those who are learning alongside them.  Many of you have probably heard that “more is caught than taught.” Children learn about LIFE from whoever is teaching them. They learn how to think and process; whether to accept what is written in a book just because someone says it’s true or to discern the truth of things with a biblical worldview; how to relate to the others in their classroom, whether those people are their siblings or their peers; and they learn what is valuable and important to the one teaching them.  They also learn whose opinions and approval means most:  Dad and Mom’s or the friends and teachers they spend the most time with.

Admittedly, over 25 years ago Benny and I decided to home school our kids (well…I only really agreed to do it for a year!) because we felt this was the best way to deepen and maintain our influence over, relationship with and discipleship of them. As we hear from our now-adult children, we’ve been humbled to discover that what we did in faith all those years ago seems to have had the desired affect. By God’s grace, they have all done well academically (despite how often I changed curriculum and had to teach myself concepts before I could teach them). But more important to us, they are each passionate followers of their Savior and are meaningfully involved in the church.

We’re not saying this wouldn’t be the case if they had been educated in private or public schools. If we’ve learned anything over the years it’s that while our parenting matters greatly, what our children needed most was God’s grace and conviction. Without His loving pursuit, they (like Dad and Mom) would be lost to the lusts of their own hearts; without hope and without God.  Home schooling provided us the opportunity to be meaningfully involved in their lives and to attempt to monitor what was going on not just in their heads, but in their hearts.

For me, the hard thing the Lord asked me to do was to home school my children.  Perhaps He hasn’t asked that of you.  Maybe the hard thing you have chosen to do is to delegate their academic instruction to others, while attempting to navigate the waters of peer influence and teachers who may not understand or share all of your values.  Either way, we’re both doing something hard and we desperately need His help.

Lord, please help us to embrace the hard thing you have asked of us in the education of our children.  We want to please You; to selflessly invest the effort required to raise godly children who love their Savior.  We can only do this with Your empowering grace and wisdom!  Please protect our children from the lure to worldliness that tempts each of their hearts to drift from You.  And give us strength to wisely shepherd their hearts through the process.  Thank You for the promise of Your help and strength!  Amen.

Posted by Sheree

Whoops…technical difficulties January 27, 2009

Our Wednesday post has disappeared!  We hope to “find” it…but if not, we’ll return tomorrow!

Teaching is More Than “Book Learning”

As we continue to talk about “Doing Hard Things” in the education of our children, let’s start with the first of the four points I mentioned yesterday: teaching is far more than the kind of learning we get from books.

It doesn’t take most moms more than a few days with a young child to know that teaching them is really important. I remember well the first time Benny and I saw our firstborn’s willful defiance of something we clearly told (and showed) him not to do. He was  crawling toward the steps to figure a way to climb them. The stairs were oddly shaped and dangerous for a little guy.  They were also constructed in a way that didn’t allow for a gate, and our attempt to keep him safe by using a chair across the stairway had been recently met with his acrobatic ability to get around it. It was time to train him to simply stay away from the steps and explore the many other safe options for entertaining himself. But no. Joshua was determined to get up those steps! Over and over again he crawled to the steps, looking back over his shoulder each time as if he was daring us to do something to stop him.

That was our first day of home education.  And our son was just 9 months old.  It was time to teach him to obey Mommy and Daddy.

Whatever option we choose for our children to learn to read, write and do math, as their parents we are their primary educators. Recently a young mom in our church mentioned she wasn’t home educating her children because they were “in school.” “Sweetie,” I responded, “You are most definitely educating your children at home. In fact, you are their most important and valuable teacher!”

What are the things we are teaching our children? Just think about a couple of the things your children can learn primarily from you:

• To have self-control over their bodies and emotions.   Teaching children to sit on their bottoms to eat their meals and stop selfishly grabbing toys from others is no easy job.  But children who don’t learn this as toddlers can become school aged children or teens who lack self-control in much more potentially serious areas.
• To obey.  Training obedient children is of critical importance.  Learning to obey Mom and Dad in the early years postures our children to better understand the importance of obeying God and His word in their later years.  Few things are as important in parenting than this.
• To love and serve. Consistently instructing and requiring our young children to be kind, generous, unselfish and willing to help others is something that requires daily encouragement and training.  The fruit in their young adult years is, by God’s grace, glorifying to the One who came to love and serve at all cost.

These are just a couple of the many ways we as moms educate our children — day in and day out for many years.

On that note, I personally know many of you who regularly read this blog.  I have the privilege of watching you demonstrate your affection and devotion to your children.  I see the fruit of your hard work.  Like Saturday when I got to babysit little Brianna and Joey so Dad and Mom could have some time with friends.  They, like so many of the children in our church, were pleasant, obedient, respectful and fun.  Yes, they had a sinful attitude here and there like all kids.  But when addressed, they responded and obeyed.  It was a joy to have them in our home.

So thank you.  You are educating your children about the really important stuff.  Even if the fruit is delayed and your efforts seem unproductive, please keep doing hard things.  I’m not the only one watching and cheering you on.  Your heavenly Father is observing your hard work and is pouring out His strength and wisdom to keep going.  I can only imagine how pleased He is when He sees your countless and often unseen efforts.

Posted by Sheree

Doing Hard Things in Educating our Children January 25, 2009

This week we continue our Do Hard Things series by focusing on some of the hard things that are required in educating our children.  As moms, we have been given the awesome privilege of helping to shape our children in every area, including their education.

From babyhood, they learn most everything from Dad and Mom, from how to walk and talk to how to treat others (including us!).  We teach them how to use words to demonstrate politeness or harshness.  We show them the importance or unimportance of diligence and hard work.  We model for them how to respond humbly or react sinfully to pressure or criticism.  We train them to either keep their promises or take their word lightly.

And this all happens before reading, writing and arithmetic ever begin…and continues into their adulthood and our old age.

This mini-series is not what “educational” option we choose.  Whether our children attend public school, private school or are schooled at home, there are some fundamental things on which we should agree.

1. Education involves far more than “book learning.”
2. The education of our children should be parent-directed.
3. Anyone is who involved in the education of our children will have profound influence on them.
4. No educational option guarantees that our children will have godly character in their young adult years.

For the rest of this week we will investigate these four points.  They were covered at our January Mom’s Meeting.  If you are interested, you can listen to the message online (it’s to your right on this page).

Lord, I need Your help in all the tasks of parenting.  Help me to think clearly and wisely about the educational process for my chiildren.  Protect me from comparing myself to other mothers…and from the fear of man that tempts me to feel superior or inferior to others because of the schooling choices we have made.  I want to honor You with this important decision!  Thank You for your help!

Posted by Sheree

A New Couples Blog January 23, 2009

To end our week of talking about some of the hard things we’re doing in our marriages, we at Metro Moms want to highlight a brand new blog for married couples.  It’s written by longtime Metro Life Church members, Tom and Debi Walter.  (Those of you who regularly visit our little blog have read Debi’s insightful and honest posts.)

Benny and I name Tom and Debi among our dearest friends.  They are a “real” couple with common marital joys and challenges.  They would be the first to admit they’ve walked through trying seasons in their marriage.  They have conflicts.  They sin against each other.  They regularly talk about issues they are facing, humbly pursuing help and counsel.

Their marriage has become an inspiration to all who know them.  Through the ups and downs of 30 years of marriage (next month) and raising three now-adult children, Tom and Debi have learned some things.  Tom’s gentle but passionate pursuit of his wife, coupled with Debi’s creative and zesty love for her man, has provided many with hope for their own marriages.

And now they’ve started a blog to share personal insights and ideas with all of us!  “The Romantic Vineyard” is a place you can visit often or occasionally to glean from their lives…and to benefit from Debi’s unique creativity.  You’ll see right away that her posts are colorful and winsome, while Tom’s down-to-earth (and brief!) thoughts will be just right for your husband.

Take a trip over to The Romantic Vineyard to get to know them.   You will benefit from the honesty, humor, great ideas and real-life stuff you’ll find there.

Tom and Debi, thanks for the hard things you’ve persevered through over the years to provide such a compelling example for us to follow.  Benny and I are grateful that others will now benefit from you the way we have…up close.

Posted by Sheree

*being an ENCOURAGING wife* January 22, 2009

In this last year, Chris (my husband) and I had a very interesting conversation.  I had come home from a ladies meeting and was asking him how I was doing in certain areas of our marriage.  One of the questions was something like, “Do I regularly encourage you?”  (Now in my mind, this is a no brainer…I encourage him all the time!)  To my surprise his answer was, “Uh, sometimes…”  “WHAT??????” In my head and heart I am thinking, “are you serious?”  I was disappointed and sad that he would say that I don’t encourage him on a regular basis.

Now if you know me, you know that my next step was to ask a lot of questions!  I really wanted to figure out how I was so off in my thinking!  Long story short, he said that I regularly thanked him and expressed gratitude to him (ie. for working hard, for being diligent to provide for our family or to get things done around the house, etc.), but when it came to pointing out areas of growth or evidences of grace that I see his life, I didn’t do that very often.  Wow!  It was like a light bulb when on in my head.  All along I thought I was encouraging my husband (not that he didn’t appreciate the gratitude) but I wasn’t serving him in the area of encouragement.  He went on to share with me how when I had specifically encouraged him – what a difference that made in his heart – it made him want to press on and continue to grow in that particular area!

I was SO grateful for that conversation.  Ever since then I have attempted (but not always successfully) to encourage him.  The “hard” part of that is just taking the time to think about it.  It means focusing on him (not on myself) so that I can see evidences of grace in his life!   Then, once I notice an area, I need to be faithful in expressing it.  It may be in a note that is waiting for him when he gets home from work, an email in the middle of the day or verbally expressed on a date night, or any time!  I believe it has helped him and helped us in many ways!

I hope you are freshly challenged in the way you encourage your husband!

Posted by Stephanie.

What Is Your Jerusalem? January 21, 2009

Last October we heard an incredible message by Dave Harvey titled “The Audacious Claim of the Unstoppable Gospel.”   One of his main points which he used in the message was that we are “Constrained by the Spirit, going to Jerusalem, not knowing what will happen.”  If you want more details on the message you will have to listen to it again because I can’t begin to summarize it in such a short space, but this point (and the entire message) deeply affected me.  At the end of the message Dave asked, “What is your Jerusalem?”

In the days following the message the Lord began to speak to me.  What was my Jerusalem now, today?  It is my marriage.  In particular, a lack of trust in the Lord for my future.  I am constrained by the Spirit, I will continue in my marriage for all our days on earth together, yet I do not know what will happen.  This tempts me to fear.  I do not like moving forward without knowing, yet that is His plan for me and how He helps me to grow.  The presence of risk is to remind me of how much I need Him, yet I fail to trust Him for all that He places in my life.  But the plan is set and I am on my way to “Jerusalem.”  If I do not move forward, I will move backward.

Specifically, this affects my marriage in numerous ways every day.

• When my husband sins, how do I respond, with grace or self-righteousness?
• I try to control situations by manipulation or other means.
• I am disrespectful and unloving.

Thankfully, by God’s grace I am beginning to see how all of these sins and more are connected to my lack of trust in the Lord.

What I choose to forget so frequently is that “Jerusalem” is filled with God’s Presence.  He has set out the path before me, walked beside me and hemmed me in.  All risk is worth taking because the end is all to bring glory to Him alone.  The journey is not for my comfort or to keep me free from suffering or trouble or hardship, so I should not be surprised when these things occur.  If these things can bring Him glory then why do I want to flee from them?  I know from my past that this is true and that God’s grace will be there for me every day.  My husband is an amazing, godly man and none of this is to say that he causes me to distrust him or to fear; it is my sin.  This is the hard thing I must continue to do in my marriage, and really all of my life, to trust God in all things.

Posted by Elyse

My “Aha” Moment January 20, 2009

A couple of months ago Tom and I were in a conflict, but he didn’t know it.  Why?  Because I hadn’t told him what was bothering me.  I had left hints here and there and waited to see if he would respond.  Obviously, he didn’t respond because he wasn’t aware that I was waiting!  Next, I’m sad to say, I dropped the bomb.  We were having lunch with some close friends, and I started sharing with them all that was in my heart.  Tom looked at me as if to say, “Where on earth is this coming from?”  He truly had no idea, and it was quite unfair of me to bring it up with our friends when I hadn’t brought it up to him first.

Needless to say, this brought up quite the conversation between us on the way home.  He wasn’t very happy with me, and I was even more disappointed in my eagerness to expose this area of our marriage to our friends without taking the time to share my concern with Tom.

What was the area?  You may be surprised when I tell you – I was wanting Tom to purpose to pray with me more.  Were we praying together?  Yes.  Was it as much as I wanted or thought we needed?  No, but this was because my self-righteous heart was leading my thoughts and actions.  I was refusing to take uncharitable thoughts of Tom captive, and instead plowed through without regard for what or who was in the way.

I tell you all this so that you can understand my “Aha” moment.  About a week after this conflict arose I was getting dressed when I clearly heard the Lord speak to my heart.  He was saying, “Debi, I’m calling you to pray – yes – but I want YOU to intercede for your husband!  I made you his helpmate and when you sense a need to pray – then do it! Don’t wait for his lead, because I have placed this burden on your heart.  I am desiring to help you grow in being a helper suitable to the husband I have given you – will you respond?  Start by repenting to Tom for your manipulation and control.”

Ouch!  I knew that was the voice of the Lord because  it drew my heart towards God and my husband, not away.  When I shared this moment with Tom, asked his forgiveness for my sin, and told him of my commitment to intercede for him while he was at work, I wasn’t expecting this to impact him the way it did; he said with tears in his eyes that this was very encouraging and exactly what he needed.  And I had no idea!  Our lunch that day was what I thought an oppotunity for me to help initiate change in our marriage – oh, how it did, God used it to change my sinful heart to one who intercedes for my husband on a daily basis.

Posted by Debi

So Let’s Talk about Sex January 19, 2009

This week we’ve been posting on some hard things we are seeking to do in our marriages.  (If you are just stopping by, you may want to catch up on our Do Hard Things series.)

As I’ve considered what I find hard in my marriage right now, I’m finding that it’s really nothing new or “current.”  It’s a recurring battle in my heart.  Something I’ve seen growth in over the years by God’s grace, but am still in need of grace for continued progress.

An area that most women want to talk about…but often don’t.  Sex.

After 35 years of marriage to an amazing man, I am grateful for God’s sanctifying grace in my life in this area.  After the newness of married life and the super fun introduction into physical intimacy waned, I quickly began to view sex as a “when I feel like it” option.  During our first 5 years together, I regularly battled selfish actions and attitudes.  My selfishness (which I was blind to at the time) manifested itself in manipulative ploys to drop hints about my fatigue, the need to get to bed early, a headache, or “feeling drained after a long day with the kids”– all communicated in hopes that any amorous intentions on his part would be cleared up by dinner time.  (Although those excuses haven’t continued as regularly in the years since, they have continued.)

I remember going to weddings and hearing new brides include something in their vows about “never depriving” their groom of physical intimacy.  Sometimes I cynically thought, “Aw…wait until it’s been a few months of working full time and cooking, cleaning and doing laundry for two.”  Or, “Poor thing; she has no idea how pregnancy and caring for little ones will affect that sweet but naive promise.”  But other times my heart squeezed with conviction.  I’d leave wishing I could recapture that unselfish desire to “esteem others as more important than yourself.”

Slowly the Holy Spirit began to massage my heart; one that had been hardened by sin and unbelief that I could (or should!) change.  Then a woman I respect deeply — and who had been married about the same number of years as I — commented that she had always sought to both take consistent initiative in and respond warmly to sex with her husband.

“Always?” I asked.  “So when you say ‘always’ do you mean…like…always?”  She went on to say she never felt she had a biblical option to be unresponsive.  “Umm,” I fumbled, “so are you saying never means….never?”  She explained that when she and her husband were engaged she studied scriptures on various topics to prepare herself to be a godly wife.  At age 19 she read and simply believed that her body was not her own but would belong to her husband (and his to her).  The only time she would refrain from taking or responding to initiative would be when they mutually agreed (i.e. for the purpose of prayer and fasting; see 1 Cor 7:3-5).

I had read that verse many times over the years.  I had also read books and listened to a few messages about this topic that included this verse.  But I had never personally known anyone who really believed and lived out faith-filled obedience to God in this area.

She went on to commend her husband for his gracious sensitivity to her during seasons when illness, pregnancy or other providential reasons affected their sex life.  She was not suggesting that godliness means a wife allows patterns of sin on her husband’s part in this area to go unaddressed and undiscussed (first as a couple and then with another wise, trusted couple for their counsel and perspective).  What she was humbly and joyfully communicating was that God’s word teaches husbands and wives that marital intimacy is a gift that should not be withheld because of sin, but only when mutually agreed on for God-centered and providential reasons.

God has changed my heart over the years through His word and by the compelling example of this woman – and others I’ve come to know over the years.  This heart change has resulted in wonderful fruit in my marriage.  Yet, I still find it to be a hard thing to be consistently unselfish in this area of my marriage (and others as well).  I still too often consider myself first, not Benny. What does that sometimes look like?

• Elevating my need for sleep or rest over his/our need for tenderness and intimacy.
• Selfish attitudes of entitlement (I’ve been working hard all day and I just don’t feel like doing something else for someone besides me!).
• Unbelief (doubting that God really meant abstaining only for something like prayer and fasting???).
• Self-righteous and arrogant comparisons with others (resulting in self-congratulations at how much “better” I do in this area than some others).
• Self-conscious awareness of not having the trim, firm body I once had.

Perhaps you are a woman like my friend who has cultivated a biblical perspective on the gift of marital sex.  If so, please be open to humbly share your heart and convictions with others!  Or maybe you’re like me and find yourself regularly needing to remind yourself of God’s wise and timeless exhortation to be consistently and warmly available to your husband.  Or perhaps this is an area of your marriage where sin (yours and/or his) has robbed you both of the richly rewarding fruit that comes when we trust and obey God’s wise commands.

Whatever season you are in, talk about it.  Although this area requires a degree of sensitivity and appropriateness, it’s not off limits to talk about!  Share your victories and evidences of God’s grace with your friends.  Confess your temptations and struggles, first with your husband and then with someone he agrees could help you.  Develop or take advantage of friendships where this topic is added to the list of those you talk about for help, inspiration, accountability and encouragement.

This area is a hard thing for many women.  Sometimes it just helps to know you’re not alone in your struggle.  But don’t leave it there.  Talk about it — to God, your husband and someone who can graciously and wisely help point you toward change.

Believe me, the hard work of thinking biblically, repenting of patterns of sin, and then changing is more than worth it!  Whatever habits and patterns have negatively affected this important aspect of your marriage can be replaced with God-glorifying faith, joy and lasting change.

Posted by Sheree