Dealing with Heart Issues April 30, 2007

This week we’ll be answering some questions we received from last week’s blog. Some of the responses will be more lengthy than normal.  Thanks for your patience. 

Question One:  You talked about dealing with heart issues in children.  How do you do this when they’re young — say age 3?

I’ll be sharing some thoughts this week from a book on parenting called Don’t Make Me Count to Three by Ginger Plowman.  The subtitle is "A Mom’s Look at Heart-Oriented Discipline."  This book, written by a homeschooling mom of two, is an excellent compliment to one of my favorite books, Shepherding a Child’s Heart, by Tedd Tripp.  The premise of Mr. Tripp’s outstanding book is that, "What your children say and do is a reflection of what is in their hearts."  Mrs. Plowman takes this principle and makes it practical for parents of small children. 

In chapter two of her book, "Defining Discipline," she says:

"While society relates discipline to an uncontrolled use of physical punishment, Biblical discipline involves love, the heart, and God’s word.  Because God is concerned with the issues of the heart, biblical discipline involves much more than outward behavior.  Biblical discipline gets to the heart of the problem.  After all, if you can reach the heart, the behavior will take care of itself.  In order for us to reach the hearts of our children we must realize that there is far more to parenting than getting our children to act right.  We have to get them to think right."

Her recommendations are:

• Use corporal punishment and biblical instruction.  Ephesians 6:4 talks of the "training and instruction of the Lord" in parenting.  Proverbs 29:15 says "the rod and reproof give wisdom" (emphasis mine). 
• Faithfully instruct your children, even from a young age.  She does a great job throughout the book warning parents not to focus on outward things alone ("honey, you need a spanking because you hit your sister") but on the root issues of the heart ("honey, when you hit your sister you were angry at her and mommy needs to spank you"…example mine, not hers).
• Children are born sinful and need loving and consistent discipline to deal with the issues of their sinful hearts.

She tells a great story that happened when her daughter Alex was three years old.  Little Alex knew mom’s makeup case was off limits, but while eating dinner one night their dog walked into the room wearing lipstick.  When asked about this humorous picture, Alex lied and blamed the dog’s lipstick on "Doug" — a 4-inch tall action figure who she said got into mom’s makeup. With her husband and son trying unsuccessfully to hold back laughter, Ginger patiently told Alex it was impossible for Doug, the action figure, to have put the lipstick on their little Yorky.  She also took her to scipture and read her a verse or two about God’s perpsective on lying.  She sent her to her room briefly to think about this and to prepare herself to tell the truth — especially so they could get on to her brother’s soccer game.

When Ginger went to Alex’s room a little later she fully expected her to admit she, not Doug, had put the lipstick on the dog.  After all, Wesley’s weekly soccer game was her favorite activity! But, rather, she claimed Doug was able to do this feat because she had given him batteries.  One lie "snowballed into many lies."  It was some time before Alex actually admitted she had done the obvious. 

Ginger could have laughed off this toddler "story."  But she wisely chose to deal with it biblically.  Alex was not only spanked but she also experienced the biblical instruction of a godly mother who pointed her to the heart issues behind her lying.    Mrs. Plowman doesn’t go into what those heart issues were — aversion to being disciplined?  Simple stubbornness at not wanting to humbly admit she disobeyed? 

She closes this helpful chapter with these words:

"We must help our children to understand that their straying hearts produce wrong behavior.  If we are to really help our children, we must work backward from the behavior to the heart.  We must be concerned with the attitudes of the heart that drive his behavior.  We do this by communicating with our children in such a way that they are caused to not only understand a Christ-like attitude, but they learn how to flesh it out in their lives."

Thank you, Mrs. Plowman!

Posted by Sheree

We’ve Added Another Week April 27, 2007

Due to the response and questions we’ve received on this week’s topic we’ve decided to add another week to this series.  Next week we’ll be responding to some questions we’ve received from readers about discipline and training your children.  Not "answers"…just responses.  One question was from a mom of older children…an excellent question some of you with older kids (like me!) will relate to.  If you have a question, post it before Sunday evening and we’ll try to provide a response.

But we wanted to close this week with something to ponder over the weekend…

Only God can change our children’s hearts.  Parenting matters.  Obeying God’s word to intentionally train and diligently discipline our children is important.  A truly biblical approach to parenting doesn’t say, "Well, God is in control.  After all, He’s sovereign.  So I’ll just relax.  My efforts don’t really mean much."   

God is in control.  He is sovereign.  But these precious truths don’t let us off the parenting hook.  We still evangelize even though He’s sovereign.  We still pray even though He’s in control.  And we still pour our lives into our children even though He alone is the maker and changer of their hearts.  We must, as Jerry Bridges says, invest "personal, vigorous effort anchored in the grace of God" into our part in our sanctification (growth in godliness) and that of our children — because the scriptures command us to.

But allow the peace of God to invade your heart as a mother this weekend.  God gave you your children.  He also gives you the daily strength and wisdom you need to raise them for His glory.  But the results are up to Him.  He is faithful.  He will complete the work He’s begun in them…and in you.  So as we talk about the part we play, may we never elevate this over that which only He can do.

Posted by Sheree

Rewards and Role Play April 26, 2007

While consistently and lovingly disciplining your children, two things are very important:  clarity and consistency.  Often children don’t respond quickly, completely and cheerfully either because it hasn’t been clearly explained what is expected of them or they are allowed to get away with things one day and not the next.

There are two things as a mom of small children that helped our family greatly:  role play and rewards.

When the kids were young we regularly used role play to teach them specifically what we were looking for.  For example:

• When we were teaching them to look in people’s eyes and geet them by using their name, we acted it out for them.  "Ok, honey you pretend to be Mrs. Smith and I’ll pretend to be you.  We’re at the Sunday meeting and you walk up and say hi to me, ok?"  As my toddler walks up to me (I’m on my knees at her eye level) and says hello I look directly in her eyes, smile and cheerfully say, "Hi Mrs. Smith!"  Then we switch roles. I stand up and become the adult while coaching her through her response.

• Teaching them to respond verbally and behaviorally to our directives meant showing them what cheerful, immediate obedience looked like.  Once again, I would switch roles with them by getting onto the floor with their toys and then telling them to pretend they were Mommy asking me to put the toys away.  When "Mommy" spoke I quickly looked up, said "OK, Mommy" in a cheerful voice, and then started putting the toys away energetically.  Then we went back to our roles and tried this again. 

Role playing helps young children to see what Mommy and Daddy are looking for.  It also gives parents the peace of knowing that when your commands are not obeyed quickly and cheerfully, it’s not because the children don’t understand — it’s because they are disobeying.

Encouragement and rewards are also helpful (and Biblical!) tools for training young children to obey.  The scripture teaches about putting off sin and putting on godliness.  Disciplining our children helps them to put off disobedience and sinful attitudes.  Encouragement and rewards motivate them to put on a heart to obey.

Here is my favorite suggestion.  You may have other ideas that will work better for your family, but this one worked well for us:

• Decide on a character quality to focus on: obeying quickly, cheerfulness, unselfishness (sharing), not interrupting, truth telling, or etc.  Make a chart with this word/phrase at the top and squares filling up the page.  (Fewer large squares for young toddlers, more smaller ones for older toddlers.)  Explain to your child that each time he doesn’t obey the first time (or whatever you choose) he will be disciplined.  BUT when he obeys the first time he can put a sticker (or check mark) on his "Obeying Quickly" chart.  When he fills up all the squares Mommy and Daddy will…(fill in the blank; our children loved going to Baskin Robbins for an ice cream cone!).  These charts were always on our refrigerator and we had fun rejoicing over every sticker!

We can keep from exasperating our children with consistent discipline by drawing attention to their attempts to obey.  Making sure we’ve clearly communicated our expectations on a level they can understand and then commending them for their responsiveness can go a long way in training them to obey — quickly, cheerfully and completely.

Posted by Sheree

First Time Obedience April 25, 2007

I just returned from 2 delightful (and tiring…smile) days with three of my grandchildren.  While there, I noticed the following 1888 quote from J.C. Ryle that my daughter posted near her kitchen sink:

"Train with an eye to your children’s souls.  We are made what we are by training. Our character takes the form of what mold into which our first years were cast.  The path of obedience is the way in which He gives blessing.  Determine to make your children obey you, though it cost you much trouble, and cost them many tears.  The mark of well-trained children is that they do whatsoever their parents command them – cheerfully, willingly and at once."

Wow.  Sound impossible?  Toddlers who obey cheerfully?  Willingly?  Immediately?  Yes, it’s a high goal.  But it’s attainable.  Children who are trained at a young age — through patience, encouragement, clear instruction and role playing, and consistent discipline — can become children who obey Daddy and Mommy immediately and with a cheerful attitude.  Really!

First time obedience is of critical importance.  A toddler should be taught to respond quickly to her parent’s voice and command.  Remember, your 3-year-old will be 16 before you know it!  Consider the respect and deference to your values and decisions that you would like to see in him then and don’t fool yourself into thinking today’s delayed obedience or disobedience won’t become tomorrow’s adolescent willfulness.  Today’s whining leads to tomorrow’s ungratefulness and discontent.  And toddler arguing can easily become teen in-your-face rebellion. 

Moms, follow the tested advice of a man who said over a century ago to train your children to obey you.  Yes, it will cost you.  You will have to be consistent in your discipline.  Yes, it will cost your children.  It will be painful. 

• Make sure you are clear.  Tell your child mommy wants her/him to obey immediately and with a cheerful attitude.  Delayed obedience should be treated as disobedience.  (I found it helpful with my children to not interrupt them with an expectation of immediate obedience when they were engaged in something, but to say, "Honey, in just a minute Mommy will ask you to put away your toys.  Get ready to obey quickly and with a cheerful attitude!"  Then I could expect them to respond quickly and cheerfully or be disciplined.)
• Encourage!  Encourage!  Encourage!  When your child obeys immediately and with a good attitude, give warm and expressive encouragement.  Regular discipline without regular encouragement can frustrate a child.  Plus, encouraging our children is a reminder to us that they are making progress.
• Be consistent.  Requiring first-time obedience today and giving 3 warnings tomorrow is unkind and confusing to your child.  Talk with your husband and pick one or two things to begin to discipline your toddler(s) for and then be consistent.  Better to be consistent with a few things than to be inconsistent with many.  With young toddlers just starting with something simple like, "Come to Mommy" (i.e. for a diaper change, to get into the high chair for a meal, to get into the carseat) might be a good beginning. 
• Role play and reward.  More about this tomorrow.

Maybe you’d like to copy Mr. Ryle’s quote to put in a visible place in your home, too. 

Posted by Sheree

“Revolutionary” or “Normal?” April 24, 2007

Parenting shouldn’t really be described as "revolutionary", should it?  Yet terms like this are helpful in today’s society.  Why?  Because as parents, we can often be too busy, too distracted and too tired to train our children as biblically defined.  The Bible speaks of the diligence, intentionality and gracious pre-occupation with which we should approach parenting.  In our day, though, this seems "revolutionary"…not normal or common.

As mothers, we must embrace the Bible — not our godless culture — as the authority on training our children.  The newest expert shouldn’t be where we turn when we need answers to dealing with toddler temper tantrums, disobedience or disrespect.  The answers we need are found in the principles and teaching of scripture.  And the Bible teaches that the most effective way to discipline young children is with corporal punishment.

This is a hot topic right now.  There are websites and organizations bent on categorically defining those who use corporal punishment as child abusers.  Certainly there are heartbreaking cases of tragic physical abuse of children.  This sinful behavior is forbidden in scripture.  Parents who angrily and selfishly slap, beat and otherwise react to their children are not imitating our heavenly Father who disciplines His children in love (see Hebrews 12 for a beautiful description of this kind of parental affection and care in discipline).  All parental discipline should be from a heart of compassion, kindness, affection and patience with our children as fellow sinners who, like us, need consistent and loving correction.  In a society where corporal punishment is often expressly forbidden, we cannot compromise biblical teaching to protect ourselves from misunderstanding.  We know we are taking a risk in blogging about this subject.  But it’s a risk we feel we need to take to provide needed encouragement and instruction to young moms who desire to elevate biblical truth over cultural pressure.

The gracious discipline of scripture isn’t administered on the capricious, selfish whims of over reactive parents who allow their kids to disobey, interrupt, hit other children, argue and whine one day and then spank them for it the next.  Effective and loving discipline is for clearly communicated reasons and is — by God’s grace and with His help — both consistent and free from maternal anger. 

For the rest of the week we will talk about common reasons to discipline young children and the importance of parental clarity, consistency, affection and encouragement.  Next week we’ll hear from moms of young children as they share their personal stories.  And the following week you’ll be inspired by the testimonies of young adults whose moms embraced the kind of self-sacrificial child training and discipline that resulted in God glorifying fruit in the lives of their children.

As we study this topic, let’s all remember that we can only walk in God’s ways with His help.  Training and disciplining children is hard work.  It means we have to resist the "too busy, too distracted and too tired" temptations we all face.  Only by relying daily on God’s grace and power can we possibly train our children in godliness and Christlike character. 

Lord, we look to You afresh today for help!

Off to get three grandchildren ready for bed while Daddy and Mommy enjoy some time away.  Wow, I have fresh respect and appreciation for all of you who do this on a daily basis!

Posted by Sheree

Revolutionary Parenting April 23, 2007

We recently came across a new book titled, Revolutionary Parenting, by George Barna.  This book came about after Barna interviewed thousands of twenty-somethings who exhibited a strong faith and commitment to Christ.  The idea was to look backward at their lives in order to discover what practical things their parents did to raise these children successfully with such a strong passion for God.  The findings are amazing!  You can read all about it on The Barna Group blog.  Here is an excerpt:

Three Types of Parenting

In Revolutionary Parenting, Barna notes that there are three dominant approaches to parenting currently operative in the United States.

Parenting by default is what Barna termed "the path of
least resistance." In this approach, parents do whatever comes
naturally to the parent, as influenced by cultural norms and
traditions. The objective is to keep everyone – parent, child, and
others – as happy as possible, without having the process of parenting
dominate other important or prioritized aspects of the parent’s life.

Trial-and-error parenting is a common alternative. This
approach is based on the notion that every parent is an amateur at
raising children, there are no absolute guidelines to follow, and that
the best that parents can do is to experiment, observe outcomes, and
improve based upon their successes and failures in child rearing. In
this incremental approach, the goals of parenting are to continually
improve and to perform better than most other parents.

Barna found that revolutionary parenting was the least
common approach. Such nurturing requires the parent to take God’s words
on life and family at face value, and to apply those words faithfully
and consistently.

Perhaps the most startling difference in these approaches has
to do with the desired outcomes. "Parenting by default and
trial-and-error parenting are both approaches that enable parents to
raise their children without the effort of defining their life," Barna
explained. "Revolutionary parenting, which is based on one’s faith in
God, makes parenting a life priority. Those who engage in revolutionary
parenting define success as intentionally facilitating faith-based
transformation in the lives of their children, rather than simply
accepting the aging and survival of the child as a satisfactory
result."

For the next three weeks we’re going to discuss what Mr. Barna has called revolutionary parenting — parenting that is rooted in a grace-motivated pre-occupation with investing ourselves and God’s word into our children. 

Posted by Debi and Sheree

Favorite Family Night Resources April 20, 2007

Even the most creative families need help from time to time in planning practical, yet meaningful Family Nights.  We have searched and gathered links for you in one easy, convenient place in order to help your family grow in this meaningful endeavor. 
First, is from a Focus on the Family broadcast.  The topics covered include creating a family theme song and using an object lesson and singing a jingle to help children remember the point. 

Second, is more light-hearted but can be educational.  It’s variations to the classic game Scrabble. (this just happens to be my favorite board game, and one I’m planning to try, espcially the last bullet on the list. It makes it possible to play Scrabble  with a large group, which our extended family has now become!)

Third, is a great idea for renewing the age old tradition of story-telling. Whether it’s with your immediate family or a time when you are gathered with grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins, why not invest in passing on stories that helped in making your family what it is today?
Fourth, we suggest two books that are great resources to add to your family library. 
Together, Creating Family Traditions, by Rondi Hillstrom Davis and Janell Sewell Oakes  AND
Treasuring God in our Traditions, by Noel Piper.

Finally, why not start a Summer Bible Memory Challenge?  This site is full of ideas that worked for one family.  Not only will you build memories of your family time together, but you will hide God’s Word in your heart as well!  This tradition could make this summer one you never forget!

Do you have an idea that has worked for your family?  Please post a comment and share it with us – we’d love to hear from you!

Posted by Debi

The Jessee’s Favorite Family Nights April 19, 2007

We love to have family nights!  Unfortunately we can’t have them as often as we would like, but we try to schedule them on a regular basis.  Family nights in our home can include anything from renting a movie, heading out to the mall or eating popsicles (or snowcones) in the Jacuzzi! (Yes, we Floridians enjoy our toasty hot tubs…and not just in winter!)

But here are our 2 favorite family night ideas:

Family Pizza Night – This is a tradition that began in my husband’s family.  This consists of having the whole family around the table making their own French bread pizzas.  The kids love it!  (And my husband gets into it as much as the boys do!)   It does get messy, but it is so much fun.  Our boys love this opportunity to help mom "cook"!  This is usually followed by a movie and popcorn in the living room!

Disney’s Contemporary Hotel – For those of you who live in Orlando, this is a FUN night out.  We will often go out to the Contemporary Hotel and eat in their "counter service" restaurant.  There is a HUGE arcade which our boys love (mama & daddy love it, too!)  We go up to the 4th floor to walk around the shops. Then it’s up to the monorail for a trip around the "world."  (My kids think this is a "ride.")  We usually end the night watching the fireworks!  There is an observation deck at the Contemporary or you can take the monorail around to the Grand Floridian and then walk down to the dock.  Both places have speakers so you can hear the music that goes along with the show.  It is so neat and you feel like you have been away for the evening!  (There is also a lot of fun stuff to do at the Disney Marketplace – check that out, too!)

I hope you will enjoy these ideas!  Have fun with your family, and don’t forget to snap a few photos! 

Posted by Stephanie

Game Time! April 18, 2007

One of the rich traditions we have adopted from Todd’s parents is "family game night."  During our courtship and engagement, many hours were spent at his parent’s kitchen table playing games like scrabble and boggle.  It was a regular occurrence that provided loads of laughter and quality fellowship time.

Now that Todd and I are married and have two children of our own, we enjoy "family game night" in our home.  We have collected a wide variety of games over the years that are appropriate for our whole family.  Birthdays and special holidays are great times to give new games to one another.  We take turns choosing what to play, but we definitely have our favorites.  Our latest favorite is a game called "Snorta."  You’ve got to try it…it produces nothing short of non-stop laughter!

Family game nights provide two very important things for our family.  The first is a chance for us as a family to spend quality time together interacting instead of simply being entertained.  It’s one way we communicate to our children that we highly esteem the family and that we truly enjoy being with one another.  The second is an opportunity to grow in godliness as each of us learns to be content and cheerful whether we win or lose the game =).

Happy gaming!

Posted by Michelle

Donuts for Dinner April 17, 2007

It helps to have some family nights planned but some of the best memories for our family have been made on nights that have been spontaneous.  Last summer we had a fun movie night planned with hot dogs, popcorn and snow cones. All of a sudden right before I started to make dinner the power went out and our house started to get hot really quick.  Since we didn’t know when the power would come back on Kyle decided to take us out to dinner. We didn’t go to McDonald’s for chicken nuggets, or Cici’s for pizza, we went to Dunkin Donuts for donuts.  It was a blast!!  The kids were just so tickled that we were eating donuts for dinner. 

Halfway through his second donut my son asked, "What are we having for dessert?"  Since we were also at Baskin Robbins we had ICE CREAM FOR DESSERT! What a memory! I don’t think my kids will ever forget the day their dad took them out to dinner for donuts. (I won’t either, I got a stomach ache from all of that sugar!!!) 

We were reminded that night that the most simple things can be the most fun.  Family nights don’t have to be complicated or time consuming.  What about breakfast for dinner?  Dessert then dinner?  A plate of food that is all the same color?  The possibilities are endless and the memories – really priceless!

Posted by Taraleigh