What Now? September 11, 2009

If you are like me there is a tendency to leave events like the marriage retreat feeling rejuvenated, refreshed, and excited about whatever God was speaking to you about.  The problem comes as the weeks go by and I so easily forget what I learned.  I get distracted with daily life and fail to continue to work hard on the changes I so wanted to make, or I get irritated with my husband that HE has seemingly forgotten everything HE heard.

As I contemplated what to write as the final post in our marriage retreat series, I began to think about ways that I could keep reminding myself about all I heard.  Like you have read in the past two weeks, developing a healthy marriage is not something to put on the back burner, not something to take lightly, and certainly not something to wait until the next big marriage event to get pumped up and make a few changes.

I am going to take some questions from the previous posts so that I, and you, have a very short recap of what the retreat was all about.  Of course, listening and re-listening to the messages and going over the questions with your husband during date nights are all great ways to keep the communication going.  And if you feel your husband has “forgotten” everything he learned, don’t forget you are his helpmate, so ask him some questions and keep lovingly reminding him!

The following questions are taken from previous posts, they are not anything that was handed out at the actual retreat.

1. Am I regularly being a biblical helpmate to my husband?  Pointing out the severity of his sin and the lavishness of God’s forgiveness?

2. Am I regularly encouraging my husband?  Not just expressing gratefulness, but telling him how God is at working and changing him for His Glory?  Am I sharing the evidences of grace in his life, even if he is just “shuffling” in the right direction?

3.  Do I correct my husband and allow my husband to correct me?  Am I embracing correction, or avoiding it?

4. Am I allowing myself to be childlike in my marriage? Am I being childlike in my marriage, being tossed to and fro by the waves; ruled by my emotions, easily distracted, allowing circumstances to determine my anxiety or happiness?

5.  If you are single, are you putting this instruction into practice in your relationships? Would your friends say that you encourage, correct, and help them to see and fight their sin?

I pray that I will not become lazy in my marriage and I will continue to fight the war against sin. The “mountain lion” is lurking, and at times in full attack, and I want to have my log or knife (or preferably my gun) in hand ready to go.

So what is it I do now?  Fight!!!  With all His energy!

Posted by Jaime

Preparing NOW for Marriage September 9, 2009

Speaking of “God’s Perfect Timing”…how about getting engaged the week after the Marriage Retreat?! It’s true. I am shamelessly announcing (for those who may not have heard) that in a matter of months I will be married to the love of my life – the man God has been preparing for me since the beginning of time! Besides being able to testify to His incredible faithfulness in our lives, I am extremely excited about the retreat and how soon I will be able to put into practice with David what I heard while serving on the retreat team!

To all my fellow unmarried girlies, may I encourage you to take some time to listen to these messages SOON? With marriage looming on my horizon, I am keenly aware of how inadequate I feel to be a helper to my future husband. Most likely marriage will be appearing at some point on your horizon, too. In what ways are you preparing NOW for THEN?

As I listened to the messages I found it very curious how much could already be applied to my life – even though I am not married! While our relationships with others look differently than that of a married one, we are still called by God to walk out our days pursuing biblical fellowship with other believers. This doesn’t come automatically when you become a Christian or join a church! I’ve also heard you don’t even get “zapped” with the ability to be encouraging and humble when you finally walk down the aisle! :)

So girls, let’s be honest. It’s much easier for us to get away with sin in our own lives because we don’t have the 24/7 of a husband. And it’s also easier to be lazy and uncaring when it comes to pursuing the opportunity to encourage others and help them identify where sin might be encroaching upon them like a mountain lion. Would our friends be able to say the following of us? (adapted from the Biblical Fellowship in Marriage Assessment tool handed out at the retreat)

1. She takes initiative to communicate specific encouragement and evidences of God’s grace in my life to me.
2. She takes initiative to confess her temptations and sins to me.
3. She asks for my help to see her sin and its effects on me.
4. She communicates hope in the gospel to me when I am discouraged.
5. She corrects me while appearing purposeful in her attempts to be humble and resist self-righteousness.

Wow! These are questions that we can totally be pursuing even now, girls. What becomes habit now will only serve our future spouses and families. However, if like me you haven’t been intentional about growing in this area in relationships God has graciously provided you with, you can repent and receive grace for change! As Benny said in a session on Saturday, our hope (for change) is in the Gospel – in our lives and in the lives of those around us!

Posted by Jennifer (soon-to-be Jennifer Fountain)

God’s Perfect Timing September 7, 2009

I’m sitting here chuckling as I start this post.  I should have expected it.  Rarely do I prepare to do public speaking without being humbled by God…

Due to providential delays in my final preparation for our recent marriage retreat, I was unable to finish my message for the ladies until two days before the retreat.  Several challenging situations involving people I care about had come up that week which allowed me the privilege of lending a listening ear to some ladies.  This, on top of the normal responsibilities of serving my family and trying to complete my outline, resulted in a stressful finish to the week.  It was a divine set up for God to expose my sin and remind me of how weak and needy I am.

When the tension started mounting between Benny and me you would think we would have quickly realized, “Ahhhh!  It’s days before a marriage retreat.  And not just any retreat, but one at which we are speaking!  Maybe we should stop right now and just laugh at this potential conflict as God’s way of helping us to go into this weekend humbly aware of our own ongoing need for God’s help in our marriage.”  But no.  We continued to slowly allow irritations to grow until I was holding back tears.  (And not because I was exhibiting godly character but because I was wanting to appear self-controlled.)

By God’s grace we resolved our conflict the next day.  Those of you who attended the retreat heard us both refer to this incident.  This situation reminded me of a recent ladies retreat at which I spoke on mentoring relationships.  Just days before the retreat a situation came up with a young woman I have been seeking to pour my life into that revealed weaknesses in my mentoring of her.  Thankfully, some dear friends assured me that my awareness of my weakness could help rather than hurt my communication of the biblical truths I hold dear.

In His wisdom and protective care for me, and the dear women at these retreats, God allowed these two similar incidences in recent weeks to remind me of two things:  the sufficiency of His word and the need for me to mortify the pride that could tempt me to think I’m “somebody” because I’m the one speaking at the event.  It’s not my rhetoric that changes hearts.  And to the extent that unconfessed pride is present in my heart (which it always is to some degree) God will be faithful to resist me.  These experiences were fresh reminders that fruit will come from anything I share only when God’s word brings illumination, conviction and faith for change.  The timely realization of my need to listen, apply truth and change along with my listeners was the kindness of God to someone who remains in an ongoing battle with sinful pride.

I pray you were affected by God’s word.  I hope you heard my longing to come alongside you in our shared desire to grow.  And if you’ve had a challenging week since the retreat — including conflicts and tension in your marriage — then don’t dismay.   God is at work in you and me.  Ladies, soemtimes we just have to chuckle at the timing of Him exposing our sinful hearts.  Soon before or after a marriage retreat is prime time for wifely sin to bubble to the surface — or even coming spewing out.

When that happens we have to preach the gospel to ourselves.  Remember Elyse Fitzpatrick’s words:  More sinful and flawed than we dare to admit, yet more loved and welcomed than we dare to believe.  If you and your husband are struggling, please don’t get stuck on your sin or his.  See your sin.  Acknowledge it to God and to him in humble confession.  Then turn to the cross to find forgiveness and grace to change.

And let yourself chuckle.  God’s timing is perfect.

Posted by Sheree

P.S.  For those of you who don’t me, the picture above isn’t me.  She’s young and slender and she has white furniture — neither of which are the case with a middle aged Granma of 9. 

Being a Helpmate…and Attacking Mountain Lions September 4, 2009

The Adorning The Gospel Marriage Retreat had an amazing impact on me.  It was hard to figure out what I wanted to post about because I want to elaborate on all the things I took away from that weekend and felt God did in my heart.  I will spare you and only write about one of them.

My mom (Sheree Phillips) spoke on Saturday morning on The Practice of Biblical Fellowship as Wives. The main idea was how biblical fellowship is one of the primary ways we can be our  husbands helpmate.  I realized last weekend that I have not had a biblical perspective on what that really meant.  Mom put it this way:

“As wives we must fulfill our helper design. This means doing our part, with God’s wisdom and strength, to see him reach his goal of Christlikeness: pointing him regularly to the cross where he sees both the seriousness of his sin and the lavishness of God’s forgiveness.”

She illustrated this point with the 2007 true story of a wife attacking a mountain lion that had pounced on her husband during a hike.  She did so by using a log to beat the lion in the back and head, and a pen which she used to stab it in the eye. (You can read the story here.)  It was SO helpful to have that image to think about, especially when Mom mentioned 1 Peter 1:5:

“Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour”.  (The context of this verse is suffering, not sin, but one of the ways Satan uses our suffering is to tempt us to sin.)

The question is:  if the man was my husband and the mountain lion was sin what do I do?  If I saw my husband being devoured by a mountain lion (sin) would I sit back and do nothing?  Would I wait for him to figure it out?  Would I get mad and blame him for being eaten alive or blame him for not seeing it coming?  I certainly hope not!  I would want to help fight and save him!

That was such an amazing picture for me to remember.  My job, and God given design, is to help my husband fight sin (and for him to help me do the same).  The greatest part is that as we learn to fight TOGETHER against the enemy, it will draw us closer together.  As Mom said, “Couples who don’t want to fight sin together will fight about sin with each other. If we’re going to fight, why not join hands and fight the right enemy?”

My helper design is not just to take care of our children so PJ can provide food for us.  As his wife and best friend, he needs my help to fight the enemy that wants to tear him apart and devour him.

I need to learn and do this in a biblical way.  Some helpful examples were given that Mom learned from a teaching Carolyn Mahaney did called “Watch Your Man”:

Without sarcasm and fault finding

Without self-righteousness and pride (ha…I never struggle with that!)

Making respectful appeals and correcting in love

“With the gospel in full view a godly wife can provide the ‘faithful wounds of a friend’ (Proverbs 27:6) and be a means of grace to the man God has given her.”

Lord, help me to be that wife!

I could keep going and going, but I will let you download the message and hear it yourself.  It will be well worth the time! Here is how you can access all of the messages:

1. Go to the messages page on the MLC web site: http://www.metrolife.org/messages.html
2. Under the section that says: ‘filter messages by’ – use the dropdown box to select ‘Adorning the Gospel’

Enjoy!

Posted by Jaime

One Truth At A Time September 2, 2009

There are so many things that stand out to me from the Adorning The Gospel Retreat this past weekend, but I will share with you two.

First, Stephanie Jessee shared from her heart what true encouragement looks like to her husband.  It’s not what many assume (including me).  I have always considered myself a pretty good encourager, but Stephanie realized and shared that expressing gratefulness to her husband is not really encouraging him.  What our husbands need is to hear from us is how God is at work changing them for His Glory.  I need to grow in being more specific about the evidences of growth I see in Tom’s life.  This will only happen as I pay attention and make an effort to express this encouragement in carefully composed words.

Secondly, my husband shared during the breakout session about what true correction looks like.  We often think of it as a negative.  But in reality it is like a ship who finds itself off course one degree;  at first, this seems only minor, but if left uncorrected the ship could miss its destination altogether and end up roaming the open seas.  It’s best to correct the one degree quickly to avoid ending up somewhere other than where we had hoped.  Correction is more like the latter, and we want to embrace it for our good!  This has helped me to resist the temptation to avoid correction and instead go after it!  Who wants to end up in Argentina when we were planning a vacation in Spain?

God knows exactly what we need, and He graciously provided it for us this past weekend.  I urge you to take the time to listen to the messages if you were unable to attend.  If you were, then revisit your notes often.  God showered us with biblical wisdom; its up to us to take it in – one truth at a time!

Adorning The Gospel August 31, 2009

Our church hosted a marriage retreat this past weekend titled, Adorning The Gospel – Biblical Fellowship In Marriage.  It was a tremendous time of biblical teaching and practical illustrations that will provide months of material for marriages to use for their growth in holiness as husband and wife.   Below is a brief description of each session and what was shared:

Session I:  The Starting Point of Biblical Fellowship – Speaking the Truth in Love, by Benny Phillips

• Using Ephesians 4:15 as the backdrop for this message, Benny expounded the idea that “speaking the truth in love” isn’t correcting your spouse with a smile on your face…It’s preaching the gospel message of grace to him.  Forgiving each other and forbearing with one another are the foundations for an affectionate marriage.  When we treat each other in this way we glorify God in our marriage.

Session II: The Goal of Biblical Fellowship, by Danny Jones

• Using Ephesians 4:15 & 16 Danny spoke of those who don’t practice biblical fellowship as being childlike in their marriages, being tossed to and fro by the waves; ruled by our emotions, easily distracted, allowing circumstances to determine their anxiety or happiness.
• They’re also not studying for themselves, but following what others say, chasing after one “good feeling” after another.  They love to hear what they want to hear, instead of the truth.
• Lastly, those who are childlike manipulate and pressure those around them to get their own way; they play games in their relationships.
• He reiterated this point throughout: God gives us a close relationship to help us with a close enemy.

Saturday morning we broke into small groups to discuss the Biblical Fellowship in Marriage Assessment Questionnaire that was handed out on Friday evening.  Each couple was asked to fill it out separately and then go over their answers together before the small group gathered.

Session III:  Breakout Session – The Practice of Biblical Fellowship for Husbands and Wives

• The husbands met with Benny Phillips and the wives met with Sheree Phillips to hear specifics on how to apply these truths to our marriage in the specific role God has given us.
• The basic idea is we need each other to grow in godliness and holiness.  The following is an excellent quote from Paul Tripp:”The reality of spiritual blindness has important implications for the Christian community.  I need you in order to really see and know myself.  Otherwise, I will listen to my own arguments, believe my own lies, and buy into my own delusions.”
• The session concluded with a testimony by Chris Jessee to the men and Stephanie Jessee to the women.

We broke for lunch in order to continue discussing in our small groups what this actually looks like in our marriage and to answer each others questions.  This was a very practical way to help us not only hear about biblical fellowship, but to also work on making it a reality in each others lives.

Session IV:  Staying Focused on Grace, by Benny Phillips

• Biblical Fellowship is a means of grace not a source of change.  The foundation for change is the person and work of Christ.
• A fresh reminder that our hope is in the Gospel.

The highlight for many and the part that got people talking was the story of Jim and Nell Hamm…it’s worth listening to Benny and Sheree’s breakout sessions for husbands and wives to hear about why 65-year-old Nell shoved a pen into the eyeball of a mountain lion to protect her husband.

This week we’re going to post about what we have gleaned from these teachings.  If you were unable to attend, the messages will be available soon on the Metro Life Church website.

Posted by Debi

Growing in Biblical Fellowship October 27, 2008

Our Ladies Retreat was so helpful in laying out for us the reason we need other women in our lives.  One thing I was convicted of at that time was not confessing my sin on a regular basis.  I realized I need to be more quick to humble myself and expose my sinful heart.  I believe, by God’s grace, that I have grown to some degree in that, but I still have a lot of room to change!  In fact, revisiting this topic is such a good reminder!

One of the things that has been helpful over the last few months has been getting together with a few girlfriends with the specific purpose of confessing sin and praying for one another.  I know that as I share things with which I am struggling, my friends will be faithful to follow up with me to see if I am “fighting the good fight.”   But by no means is it limited to “accountability meetings.”  This is most often done in the midst of a conversation or even an email.  There are many ways to share with one another.  The most important thing is that I AM sharing, not just when or where.

My prayer for you (if you haven’t already) is that you find a couple of friends that you can be open and honest with – ones that will hold you accountable, but also hold you up in prayer.  We need each other’s help to grow!  Prayerfully ask the Lord to show you those women in your life!

Coffee Cafe’ Q & A August 7, 2008

Q4 – How do you hope the retreat emphasis on “Walking in the Light” will deepen your friendship in the future?

Debi: This is where reality hits, and I must see if I am really seeking to walk in the light. Danny asked a question two Sundays ago that has stayed with me all week. He asked, “How have you changed since we began our series on Joining the Revolution – Fighting Nominalism?” It’s easy to think that because I’m willing to talk about, even blog about these things that I am changing. But in reality I could only be aware of my need to change. My only hope is found in the truth of Scripture that says, “And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” Philippians 1:6

So I pray daily and seek often to hear what Sheree is sensing from the Lord for me. This will not happen unless I make it a priority and regular practice. Why? Why is it important for me to be this kind of friend? Because God desires to be glorified not only in my life, but in how I relate to others.

Father, help me to be not just a hearer of your word, but a doer! This will never happen if I’m left to myself, but I am confident that You will not treat me as I deserve but you will richly grant my requests. Honestly, my spirit is rejoicing – but my flesh is trembling! God help me to change!

Sheree: The retreat has re-ignited in me a desire to pursue biblical fellowship. My prayer is that all my friendships will benefit, first with my husband and adult children, and also with others. Debi and I had lunch last week, and our conversation was “different.” Although God has granted us a wonderful depth of friendship for years, both of us were more open and eager to share our temptations. I hope I will exhibit my need for Debi’s input, counsel and correction in my life by being more faithful to confess my sin and to solicit her observations/correction about areas in which I can grow. Before our lunch I asked Debi to come with any areas in which she was concerned or had observations for me and she did! I look forward to many more years of growing old together as we continue to pursue our friendship.

A VERY SPECIAL NOTE: We thought you would all like to join us in wishing Sheree, a very happy birthday! Sheree – We, the women of Metro Life Church, are greatly blessed by the influence of your God-focused teaching, your timely exhortations and most importantly your godly and humble example. We have been affected by the constant care and concern you show for us and for our growth in the Lord. Thank you for all you do to serve us year after year. We have changed as a direct result of your unwavering commitment to honor God in how you lead and interact with us. We love you and pray that your birthday will be full of meaningful encouragements that make you smile. Happy Birthday!!!

Coffee Cafe’ Q & A August 6, 2008

Q3 – What sin patterns in your life has most hindered your friendship and what have those patterns looked like?

Debi: I would say that beyond a doubt the sin in my life that has most hindered our friendship is my PRIDE! There have been far too many times when Sheree’s observations or questions were met in my heart with defensiveness and justification for the sin she was observing. However, Sheree most of the time would not have any idea that this was the case because sadly, I have become quite adept at acting like I’m listening and agreeing when all the while I’m cringing inside. This is because of the presence of another sin I am currently seeking to mortify – fear of man. Elyse nailed this one on the head when she talked about “how nice” we southern women want to be. Why do I try to hide thinking that by doing so no one will see the real me? Sheree has seen the real me, and she still loves me and wants to be my friend! That is the Gospel at work in our friendship, and it is amazing!

Sheree: Perhaps you read my recent blog entries on self-protection. This sin in my life has hindered my friendship with Debi by tempting me not to be as open and vulnerable as scripture requires. Though I have sought to regularly confess my temptations and sin allowing her to see into my life and heart, my self-protection – with all its ugly fruit – has prevented our friendship from growing to the depth God would desire.

My pride and fear of man have also contributed to our relationship. These sin patterns in my life have produced a lack of faithfulness to speak the truth in love because of my selfish love of being known as a kind and encouraging friend rather than one who regularly provides input and correction. (Ugh…as I type these words my self-love is so evident…help me Lord!)

Coffee Cafe’ Q & A August 5, 2008

Q2 – Describe a season in your friendship where God used the other in a meaningful or sanctifying way?

Debi: There are so many times that God has used Sheree in meaningful and sanctifying ways that I’m not sure which to share. One very small incident, but hugely impacting moment in my life was when Tom and I were deeply involved in renovating our home. It had been a few months with many obstacles, difficulties, promises broken and deadlines missed. I’ll never forget feeling quite justified in my comments when I told her over the phone, “How can “so and so” sleep at night for all the wrongs he/she has done to us?”

Her godly response was, “Oh Debi! How can any of us sleep at night for the sins we have committed against God?” I was instantly convicted of my self-righteous and judgmental spirit. From that moment I dubbed Sheree “my reality friend”, because she always manages to tell me what I need to hear, but in a way that makes me feel convicted yet encouraged to change. This is a gift from God. The good news is that God is willing to give all of us this ability at we seek to honor and please Him in our friendships.

Sheree: The Lord has used Debi in my life in numerous ways. The balance of real-life friendship (emails, bringing a meal during a busy season, organizing a group of ladies to bring me birthday cards on a Sunday morning, etc) and spiritual initiative (offers to pray, prophetic thoughts she received from the Lord, reminders to make God’s word a priority in my life) has been a precious gift.

During a season some years back when I was struggling with some past personal difficulties I had walked through the Lord used Debi to impart faith and hope to me. One memory stands out when she kneeled by me on a Sunday morning as I cried during a time of ministry. Debi shared an impression she had from the Lord for me. God used this to break through my unbelief and give me fresh faith for the future. This brought an end to a season of hopelessness and opened my eyes to see what God was up to in my life! Her prophetic thoughts were a blessing…but mostly because I knew they were shared from a heart of compassion and concern.