Seasons of Life March 8, 2010

As I read everyone’s posts from last week in regards to seeking out older women in their life, I thought I could just say ditto.   I also haven’t really sought anyone out to speak to them about “getting older” or this upcoming season of my life, but still I have learned so much from others by just observing their lives and being in relationships with them.   I know I have mentioned this before, but I am again reminded of the unique season God has placed me in at this time.  I am an “older” mom with young children.  My children are friends with many of my closest friends grandchildren.  I am not quite their age, but close.  And my husband is 5 years older than me.  So what does that mean?  I get to see and share with those who may be just a tiny bit ahead of me in years, but way ahead in life experience of raising children, among other things.

I watched their passion for God continue to grow instead of wane.  I have shared their joys and sorrows as children have grown up, drifted from God and then returned.  I have seen their mixed emotions at the marriages and witnessed the strength they have received from their Lord.  I have watched very closely as they have changed into empty nesters and marveled as to how their marriages have grown closer instead of drifting apart.  I have listened closely to their stories of how hormones and aging have affected their life.  And I cannot tell you how thankful I am everytime I encounter a new situation where I can look back and remember how I heard about this before from someone.  These women have radically affected my life.  They continue to help me know that I am not walking this road alone and these experiences are not unique to me.  But most of all they remind me to continue to look up and remember the One who is and always will be in control of all my days.   I am so thankful to each and everyone for sharing their trials and their joys and for helping me to focus on the glories which lie ahead.

Posted by Elyse

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Just Do It March 5, 2010

I, like Jenn and Debi, felt really bad about this week.  When asked to share about an older woman who has personally inspired me, I have had a hard time thinking of one.  There is, of course, my mom.  She is absolutely amazing, and has inspired and helped me with many areas in my life, but I haven’t pursued much further than that.
I do desire to learn from older women, so I have been pondering what has stopped me.

There is always the normal issue of pride.  Feeling like I have things pretty much under control and don’t need help from anyone.  I have learned from one of the best, and I am a pretty competent woman, and would rather not “bother” others for help.
I like watching people.  Not that watching is wrong, but it is much easier for me to watch and hear what others are learning from someone rather than pursuing it myself.   If I am being honest, I’m a little self-conscience about pursuing help. I have thoughts like “they have to have much better things to do with their time than help me”,  “I don’t want them to feel obligated” etc. etc.  There are many excuses.
There are so many women out there who have lived through a lot.  Whether they are a little bit older, a lot older, or are just in an “older” stage of life, I could be searching for new ways to learn from them. For example:
I could call Debi Walter when I am needing ideas for romancing my husband.  (Check out her website! The Romantic Vineyard)
I could talk to Betty Vallery and set up a time for her to teach me new things to cook and bake.  I could also get ideas on how to serve people and create a home for fellowship.
There are many  seasoned women out there I could serve and learn from. Including taking my kids to fellowship with them and learn from women who lived in a completely different generation and world.  How fun for them to have that!
These examples I have come up with in the past minute.  I guess what it comes down to is just doing it!  Taking the time to sit down and think about what I want or need right now from others who have been where I have been at some point in their life.
Now I just have to do it!
Posted by Jaime

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Real Beauty March 3, 2010

Yesterday I told David (my husband – that still sounds so incredible to me, heehee!) that when I find my first grey hair he’s going to have to console a very shocked and upset wife…today I’m writing about an older woman who has inspired me by her Godward approach to the aging process. Hmm…ordained by God, perhaps? I think so. And, to be honest, I am in the same boat Debi was (read her post earlier this week here). I haven’t asked an older woman what she has learned about aging with a biblical view in mind. Sure, I know LOTS of older and godly women (that’s one of the things I absolutely love about our church). But, silly me, I haven’t thought to pursue them and glean from what they’ve learned! 

Our culture bombards us with a million and one things to keep aging at bay. And it’s no secret that the anti-aging market is one of the highest grossing each year – an estimated $8 billion by women in 2007 alone! And the obsession to be, and stay!, young is growing. It’s invading us at younger and younger ages (read this Newsweek article and check out this fascinating demo of how much girls and women spend over a lifetime – fascinating and shocking!). 

As Christians, we women are not exempt from the subtle influences from our culture! Wherever we find ourselves on the scale, there’s always wisdom in checking the motives of our heart with what God’s Word says about beauty and aging. 

And yet…sometimes it’s not so easy to discern our heart – or to know how to prepare for the years from now where things will be sagging, lots of grey hairs (not just one or two) will dominate my head and muscles will ache (and not from a great workout in the gym). I need help! And as I think of the women in my life who are ahead of me, I am affected by the fact that, though we haven’t had specific conversations, their lives are speaking volumes by how they have walked into their current seasons of life. 

These individuals include (but certainly are not limited to) my mother, Allura Lightfoot; my grandmother, Frances Smith; and my friends, Sheree Phillips, Emily Jessee and Debi Walter. All of these women love God with a passion! Each of them has not allowed the changes in their seasons to keep them from serving Him. None of them are content to just sit back and foster the mentality that they now deserve time for themselves after a lifetime of serving their families. Instead, they are all involved with their churches, serving the lost, their families, their grandchildren and even great grandchildren! They all have astounded me with the fact that they continue to love serving others – some even though they are faced with intense physical challenges. 

These women have definitely been aging beautifully, while bringing honor to God with their continued sacrifice to family and friends and those who are lost. What could be more beautiful than that??? May I look like them on the inside and out when I reach their ages!! 

“I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” Psalm 139

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A Work in Progress March 1, 2010

Sheree has asked us to share about an older woman who has personally inspired us with faith towards the aging process.  This is a challenge because I can’t think of one in my life.  Oh, I know lots of older women who inspire me in so many ways, but we’ve never had this particular conversation, and I know it’s because I haven’t asked!  Plain and Simple!

Ouch!

I’m going to be gut-wrenchingly honest here – I haven’t asked because I haven’t been looking forward to the next season of life. I don’t want to grow old.  I like my life now, and it makes me sad to realize I am aging.  My body hurts in places I’ve never felt pain.  I can’t go and do without thought to how it will effect my body the way I used to.  I have to take vitamins and supplements.  All the things that remind me of the aging process I would like so much to ignore.

Tom and I were recently away for a week together, and I touched on this topic briefly with him.  The thought the Lord was bringing to my heart was the fact that every season of my life I’ve anticipated with faith the next season.  This is the first time I’m not looking forward to the next season.  I am realizing how sentimental I am about life, and God is helping me begin to address this blind spot.

How?

My first step in facing any blind spot is seeing it (that happened while we were away), and the second step is confessing it to God and others (which I’m doing right now).  After that it’s really the Holy Spirit who does the purging and changing.  I am confident He will bring me to place of Biblical conviction about growing old.  I know all the “right” answers.  I’ve heard them and said I believe them.  But I’m realizing at the age of 50 – it’s much easier to embrace the idea of growing old in the Lord when you’re in your 20’s and 30’s than it is when old age is right around the corner.

So, I am certain of this one thing:  God will complete this work He’s begun in me! And hopefully, I’ll offer a follow-up post on exactly how He did it.  Until then…I’m a work in progress!

Posted by Debi

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Why I Love my Children’s Friends February 24, 2010

I was thinking yesterday about how much I love my children’s friends.

It all started with Andy and Joe.  As toddler friends of my oldest son, Josh, they invaded my home and heart.  Through years of sleepovers, birthday parties, spontaneous visits to see what I was cooking for dinner and wolfed-down boxes of donuts they taught me the importance of knowing and loving my kid’s friends.

Last weekend Julia asked me to take her and two friends to Mt. Dora (if you’re local and haven’t been there, you gotta go).  We had lunch and looked in little shops and had yummy ice cream.  I came home last night to find my three at-home kids and a couple of  friends lounging in the family room playing cards and watching tv.  Next week while Benny and I enjoy an anniversary get-a-way two of Jake’s friends will keep him company to eat frozen stuff, unless Ian decides to do some cooking.  (That’s Jake with Ian, Tobin and other friends of his I’ve come to love…what delightful young men they are!)

Why is it important to know and enjoy our children’s friends?  Because then they’ll want to hang at our house!  For various reasons, my house wasn’t the “hang out” when I was a teenager.  My parent’s didn’t really know my friends so when I told them things about them (usually good things, even if I wasn’t being honest) Dad and Mom believed me.  They had no reason not to.  My friends didn’t know my parents, so they were unaware that some of my activities weren’t parent-approved.  My life at home was separate from my life outside home.  Not a good thing.

If you’re the mom of young children, start preparing your heart and home now for your kid’s friends.  Enlarge your heart.  Warmly greet their friends.  Make your loving presence known when they’re playing.  Keep them closeby rather than allowing them to regularly run off unsupervised to their room or the back yard.  Wisely guide your children to friends whose parents have a similar presence in their children’s lives.

And as their teen years approach, plan to bake and cook and make sure snacks are in the house.  Food is one of the best ways to make your home teen friendly. Over the years we’ve purchased ping pong tables and dart boards and Madden Football and board games of every kind.  Up north we added a basketball slab to our back yard and in Florida we designed and, with the help of amazing friends, built a cost-efficient pool that allows our sports-loving kids to play water volleyball and basketball.  But nothing matters as much as having frozen burgers on hand for last-minute grilling, pre-made cookie dough in the frig, and extra bags of chips and sweet tea “just in case.”

Cuz sometimes all that turns into, “Hey, Mrs. P, can we talk?”  There are also greetings and hugs and smiles from all those who come and go through my house.  I will cry at their weddings and rejoice when they have babies.  My life has been enriched by the noise and fun of having so many of them around.  And I’ve been sanctified by having to clean up after them when they rushed out without realizing someone was going to have to deal with the mess.  Over 3 decades of Andy and Joe, Mel and Megan, David, Erika, Julie and Lindsay and Ariel…and all of Jake’s loud and hungry friends around…I’ve come to see that the messes and sleep loss due to spontaneous late-night movies or PVB and hefty grocery bills are worth it all.

Speaking of groceries, I’m off to Costco to buy stuff for Jake, Ian and Tobin’s week.  (Tobin, I promise no pasta…it’s frozen pizzas for you!)

Posted by Sheree

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More Musings from the Back Nine February 22, 2010

This week Sheree is going to offer some more “Musings from the Back Nine”…

Next week Benny and I will celebrate our 37th anniversary.  We met at 16, so we’ve known each other for nearly 40 years.  Last week I was thinking:  It’s hard for me to believe I’ve been doing anything for 40 years!

Until I look in the mirror. When I see the 55-year-old woman staring back at me, I’m occasionally taken off guard.  But because of the legacy of laughter I received from my mom, I can inwardly chuckle.  Sometimes I look so tired and matronly that I have to stop and quickly thank God for the gift of makeup.

When I was a young woman like many of you, I rarely thought about what the aging process would do to my face, hair, skin and body.  A part of me is glad because I may have become preoccupied with how to slow it down.  And my friends might not feel the freedom to give me those old lady cards that talk about wrinkled, sagging body parts.

But I do regret not giving more thought to how aging would affect me on the inside.  I wish I had thought and prayed more about this when I was young.  I regret not talking more with older women who had gracefully persevered through the aging process with God-centered faith and joy.

Later this week I’ll do my packing list for a much-anticipated time away with Benny for our anniversary.  The question I’m asking myself today is, “What am I doing to prepare for the fast-approaching trip to the winter season of my life?”  I won’t foolishly get up this Saturday morning assuming all the needed belongings for a week away will magically appear in my suitcase.  What makes me think the godly character and biblical thinking I will need to enjoy increasing joy and godliness in my senior years will just “show up?”

If you’re a mom chasing and training young children or a single woman reading this in the midst of your busy work week, the last thing you’re probably thinking about is what you need to do to prepare to be old.  But please take it from me.  Getting old will sneak up on you much sooner than you think.

Hey, here’s an idea.  Prayerfully consider an older woman in your life that you could call or email this week to ask if you could have her over for coffee.  Consider some questions you could ask her to help you start thinking more maturely and wisely about the future.  Think of things you’ve noticed about her (her warm and gracious nature; heart for God’s word; respect and devotion to her husband; perseverance through suffering; selfless serving through years of unplanned singleness; joy in motherhood…whatever strikes you about her).  Then craft your questions to draw from her experience and wisdom.

I hope to spend time next week considering my “packing list” for becoming elderly.  I can already order from the Senior’s Menu at some restaurants.  Don’t laugh.  You’re closer behind me than you realize.

Posted by Sheree

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Mercy Triumphs Over Judgement February 12, 2010

Mercy describes his disposition of kindness, patience, forgiveness and arms us with a new vocabulary for the love of God….Mercy has to do with how God related to us in our sin–we deserved anger and judgement, he gave kindness, patience and forgiveness…..not the absense of bad, but applied compassion in thought, word and deed.  The disposition of care in the face of retaliation, meet cutting with kindness, sinfulness with love….we don’t get what we deserve, so we shouldn’t hold our spouse hostage to their sin.

Wow!  These are all comments from Dave Harvey’s session on mercy.  And these are only a few that truly cut straight to my heart.  One of the first questions he asked was, ” How do I respond when things aren’t going the way I expect?”  Sadly, not with the mercy described above.  All to often my response is no different than the world.  I ignore the mercy which has been extended to me.  I withdraw, I cut myself off, I become angry instead of displaying mercy.  I chose to exact judgement instead of allowing the only true judge to do that.  It is so much easier to focus on the sins or weaknesses of my spouse than to remember the One who has extended the greatest mercy to me.

I left that session very convicted, but somewhat despairing.  I knew what I needed to do, but was feeling very inept at how to do it.   How can my perspective really change and preaching the gospel and ministering to my spouse become more important than the way I was living?

How thankful I was for the next session……….Grace-the answer to my questions.  Dave began the session by saying that, “God didn’t bring me here to just show me how I need to change.  His commitment is to help us change in areas He has called us to change.”  He does this through his grace.  His grace has appeared to train me to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions.   Grace isn’t some mysterious, magicial thing, but a real way which God enables me to do his will and live my life to glorify him.  Through his grace I can be merciful, I can change and mercy can triumph over judgement in my life.  Thank you Jesus.

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Persistent Grace February 10, 2010

Tortoise and the Hare

I really do not like when things go slowly.  Or should I say, when things do not go at MY pace.  Because of this, one of the most helpful messages I heard from Dave Harvey was his message on Grace.

Dave said, “Your spouse (or you!) may become discouraged when they don’t see immediate fruit – grace is patient and persistent.”

Often my main focus can be on PJ and whether or not he is changing at the pace I think he should be.  Whether it is large or small issues, I tend to get discouraged when I feel he is “slacking off” in change I would like to see.  Instead of reminding myself of God’s love, patience, and grace in my life, I would rather focus on how my husband needs to change.  Of course if he would change, it would make it a LOT easier for me to change.  :-)

Dave said, “Remind each other that God works beneath the surface first.  What an incredible reminder!  Even when I don’t “see” change, that doesn’t  mean God is not working in him.  Not only that, how much easier would it be for my husband if I am grace-filled in my response to him, pointing him back to the gospel rather than constantly pointing to all the things he is not doing right?  “We know our spouse needs to be pointed, not simply to grace, but to the One from whom all grace flows.”

I have decided to take the following quotes and post them somewhere I will see them daily.

“Never displace grace in an attempt to find sin.”

“Change takes time.”

“Stubborn grace is a grace that serves God’s way in God’s time.”

My prayer is that I will be content with God’s timing for change in PJ’s and my life.  Not only that, but that I will be just as focused on my own need for change.  Isn’t it ironic how I am talking about my husband’s lack of change in areas while talking, once again, about how my need for control affects many areas of my life?

“Human sin is stubborn, but not as stubborn as the grace of God and not half so persistent, not half so ready to suffer to win its way.” Cornelius Plantinga

Posted by Jaime

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Mercy is Given to be Shared February 9, 2010

I left the marriage retreat (don’t forget the messages are just to your right on this page) affected by the last part of Dave’s last message.  He was talking about extending mercy for weakness.  In this section he wasn’t talking about sin on our husband’s part.  Rather, he was talking about weakness:  limitations, imperfections — aspects of our humanity as fallen creatures who won’t be perfected until we’re in heaven.

I’m one of those people who remembers details.  Many women do.  I can easily remember phone numbers, short grocery lists, many birthdays and details of conversations.  (Well, I was better at all this when I was younger…smile.)  Benny, on the other hand, doesn’t remember this kind of stuff.  In the early years of our marriage I often became frustrated with him.  Why couldn’t he remember to get just 4 things at the store?  How could he have forgotten what the conflict we had last week was about?  How could he have scheduled that meeting on the afternoon of our child’s birthday before we discussed the plan?

The problem for me was this.  He could remember details of his 7th grade football game or the score of the 1971 Redskins game and how many yards Sonny Jurgensen threw for the win.  And he could start singing Beatles or Rolling Stones lyrics from songs I didn’t know existed!

Benny’s memory just works differently than mine.  I wish I had seen this years ago.  I assumed he was simply choosing not to remember things that were important to me, while focusing on things that were important to him.  How could a football score from 27 years ago be more important than the nature of our conflict last week?!?!

This is a somewhat silly example of a bigger issue.  I have too often confused sin for weakness or limitation.  These words pierced my heart at the retreat:  “Mercy is a train that tows sympathy behind it because mercy stirs sympathy rather than self-righteousness.”

Dave asked how we respond to the limitations of our spouse (physical, mental, sexual, relational):  with an awareness of their need for help and patience, or with daily disapproval?

Me remembering phone numbers felt more important than Benny’s football details because phone numbers are connected to people. (”Honey, your mom has had the same phone number for 20 years!”)  I took it personally when he forgot the eggs because I assumed it was because he wasn’t concentrating during our phone chat.  (”Love, you remembered that I said we were having your favorite roast for dinner but you didn’t remember the eggs???”) Dave reminded me that these are issues to which I can extend mercy rather than disapproval and self-righteousness.

“Mercy,” he said, “is given to be shared.”

Lord, thank you for the lavish mercy you gave me at the cross!  Help me to share this mercy with Benny more and more.  I am weak.  I have limitations.  I need patience and understanding.  This all comes from You to me on a daily basis!  Please help me to reflect back to my husband the mercy that has been poured out on me.

Posted by Sheree

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Marriage “Retreat” ? February 8, 2010

It is interesting to me that we call these events “retreats” when in reality my sinful heart ends up advancing in response, not retreating!  This week was no exception!   Without going into unnecessary details, suffice it to say I have been engaged in all out warfare on the sin and lack of mercy evident in my heart.

Events played out this week that made me question the goodness of the  sovereignty of God.  I was struggling with my lack of control, not only of the circumstances but also of my own emotions.  It has been a roller coaster of a week – and I hate roller coasters!  I much prefer to be on solid ground where each step is predictable.

But God ordained otherwise.

I thought I was struggling with choices my husband had made – but the Lord revealed this wasn’t the case.  I was angry at Him (God) for allowing things to play out the way they did.  He is in control of all things – I’m not.  And if I don’t like what’s happening, I must surrender to His purpose, His plan, His ways.  To choose otherwise is foolish.  My mind knows this, but my heart was fighting tooth and nail!

How did this affect my husband?  My marriage?  It only demonstrated how much Tom loves me in-spite of my sin.  He reassured me of his love; he gently, but firmly pointed out my exaggerated responses; and he demonstrated the gospel to me.

Dave Harvey said, “Paul sandwiches his sin with grace on both sides.  If we’re going to improve, start with the Gospel, go to your heart, and return to the Gospel.  We make the Gospel the air we breathe.  It’s like suiting up with oxygen masks to go into a burning, smoke-filled room.”

Tom has been living this week in a smoke-filled room all the while wearing the mask of God’s grace.  Not only did he breathe grace, but he took his mask off and handed it to me, so I could breathe grace as well.  He loves me even though I’m a sinner – demonstrating Christ’s love for his bride – the church!

Tom, thank you for the way you love me.  As we will celebrate 31 years of marriage this month, I am more aware than ever of the gift your love is to me, for your love causes me to love our Savior more.  Thank you for your humility, your strength and the way you care for me in my weakness.  I love you with all my heart – even the sinful, ugly parts!

Posted by Debi

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